Empty Weekends

It's about 7:30 on Friday night. I worked until 6 tonight so it has been my weekend for about an hour and a half. I should be feeling awesome but I'm not. These days the weekend brings about a lot of loneliness. I've always hated spending time by myself. I just feel like I could always be with people.

After my mom's service, we stopped receiving cards and meals and people stopped coming over to see us. Even my friends sort of backed away. Not on purpose, but they just went back to their "normal". I want to go back to my "normal" but that involves my mommy and she isn't here anymore. I have spent the majority of every weekend since my mom's service by myself. There was one weekend that we were in TN but I don't count that. By majority, I mean I may have had plans for a few hours during one of the days of each weekend. 

Just because I live at home does not mean I want to spend every second with my family. FYI, when your mom dies it actually changes the family dynamic so it doesn't even feel comfortable right now. I need a break, to find a place that feels normal. My friends feel normal...

My friends are busy people. They've always been busy. My friends have jobs, boyfriends, husbands, and not to mention they occasionally go back to their "homes" to visit their families. I can't seem to remember what things were like before my mom got very sick at the end of March. Did I feel just as lonely then? Did the weekends without plans bring up those feelings of depression I once knew? 

Tonight I feel slight reminders of that depression. I am feeling pretty hopeless and confused about my life. I am not supposed to have to feel this and my mom is supposed to still be here. There are so many exciting things that are happening in the lives of my best friends. I feel as though I am genuinely happy for them and I hope they can know that. 

I am struggling to move ahead with my life in the ways that they are moving ahead with theirs. I am being left behind. Some are graduating with master's degrees. I make a few dollars above minimum wage with my bachelor's degree. Some of my friends are married and others have been in long-term relationships and are moving towards marriage. I have been single for my entire life. I'm not going to sit here and make excuses for myself right now.

I just wrote all of that to say, I don't know  if I can do this anymore. I can't stand this feeling of being lonely. Maybe I need to find more friends? Maybe I have unrealistic ideas that I will live near my best friends forever. The days of college where we all carried virtually the same label "college student" are long gone. Maybe I need to move and start over? Maybe I need to get another job? Finally, maybe I just need to take it up with God. This is usually my last go-to. Please don't think, "oh hasn't this helped in her in the past? Why wouldn't she just do that first?" The answer is no...my mom has never died before and I have never gone through this stage of life before. I feel like the thing with God isn't what I am getting at though. I mean, that a girl can only spend so many hours [by herself] watching tv, going to the gym, or staring at the walls. I have no idea what to do.

I wonder what my friends will think when they read this. It's certainly not their job to make me feel less lonely. But I need them in ways I can't even begin to express. I hate needing people. I wish I could be okay by myself. 

Maybe I just spent the past half hour rambling. Typical me. As for this feeling, I cannot keep doing it. This loneliness is slowly killing me. I want nothing more than for it to be Monday so I don't have to spend so much time by myself. Well there is one thing that I want more than that...to go to Heaven and see my mommy again. 

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