Is This Real Life?

Hi Mommy,

How are you? How is Heaven? What do you spend your time doing up there? I hope it doesn't rain there as much as it does here. I feel like we can't ever just have an all sunny day. 

I wrote a post on Friday about the weekend. My weekend wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I spent about half of the weekend by myself and the other half, I spent with people. 

Gosh, I miss you so so much. I started going to see my therapist again. I saw her for the second time this past week. The first time, was about 2 weeks before that. I called to make an appointment and while I was on the phone with her, I told her that you passed away. Then when I had my session, I told her everything. She was very surprised and was not expecting to hear that news. When I saw her at the end of December we were still pretty hopeful that we would beat this. 

To be honest, I don't think I ever thought that you wouldn't beat this. Maybe that was denial, I don't know. In the hospital, two of my friends (H & L) came to see me and as we were talking, I said to H, "God isn't actually going to let her die?" My friend (H) said, "Kelsey I need you to be ready if the answer is no." I didn't want to hear a word she said because I still thought that God would heal you. Even when you were home on Hospice, there were a few days where it seemed like you perked up. I thought God was going to give us a miracle. Then it happened just as you said it would...one day you were here and then the next day you weren't and the day after that, life kept going. 

I constantly think to myself that this can't be real life. In fact, you have made an appearance in my dreams on a couple of occasions now. They weren't bad dreams but they were dreams that woke me up. After I would wake up, I would remind myself that it was just a dream and you were down the hall sleeping in your room. Then I would snap back to reality and remember that you are actually in Heaven. It felt like a nightmare. Really this whole thing is a nightmare that will never go away.

Some people ask me if I think about you a lot. Mommy, I think about you all.the.time. I don't cry everyday now, but you are always on my mind. I am crying right now. Mostly because I am writing this letter. It is also nighttime and I have always been afraid of the night. I know staying awake doesn't change any outcomes but it feels safer. 

Oh Momma, my heart aches for your presence. I just want to touch you, to see you, to hear you. I cannot believe that tomorrow will be 6 weeks since I have seen you. I mean, is this real life? I love you like crazy and that, I know, is real.

Love,
Kelsey

P.S. please reply if you have time.


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