trying to be brave and stuff

I remember that when I was younger my mom would come into my bedroom at night on the eve of my birthday and we would talk about all the things that had happened in the past year. Things like accomplishments or events, etc. So that's what I am going to do right now. - had my 1 yr. anniversary of working at my job last June - threw a cool party for momma last July - bought my very first car all by myself in October - cruise with the biddies in December! - ziplined, ruin climbed, snorkeled - rode Sky Rush at Hersheypark - attended a few weddings - momma met Jesus in April - celebrated Lindsay's college graduation in May That's all I can think of for right now. Miss you mommy! I wish I could see you tomorrow. She was scared like crazy the day before I was born. She didn't need to be because she was the best mommy! Coco would say "happy birthday baby!"  goodbye 23.

Mommy, Summer is fast approaching and the days are getting longer. Each day is a little bit longer since I've last seen you. Oh what I would give for a hug from you.  I feel like I am different than who I used to be. I'm not sure why. On the outside, I look okay but on the inside, I'm sad most of the time. I feel as though I have never appreciated you more in my life than I have during the past few weeks. I just wish that I could have had the chance to prove to God now that I can appreciate you this much while you are alive. Bad grammar.  I only have a few days left to be 23. Oh what I would give to be 21 again. You were sick for most of 22 and all of 23. I don't wanna be 24 without you. These numbers are scary. And I feel like there is so much I still need to learn...from you. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know anything anymore. Except that God is good, of course. I hope that he is taking good care of you up there. I hope he is taking goo

I heard this song, Homesick by MercyMe for the first time today. I heard it on the radio this afternoon. I will write more about feeling homesick later but I feel like this song describes exactly how I am feeling. Here are the lyrics... You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry Is how long must I wait to be with you I close my eyes and I see your face If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow I've never been more homesick than now Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same Cause I'm still here so far away from home I close my eyes and I see your face If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place Lord, won't

Hi Mommy, How are you? How is Heaven? What do you spend your time doing up there? I hope it doesn't rain there as much as it does here. I feel like we can't ever just have an all sunny day.  I wrote a post on Friday about the weekend. My weekend wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I spent about half of the weekend by myself and the other half, I spent with people.  Gosh, I miss you so so much. I started going to see my therapist again. I saw her for the second time this past week. The first time, was about 2 weeks before that. I called to make an appointment and while I was on the phone with her, I told her that you passed away. Then when I had my session, I told her everything. She was very surprised and was not expecting to hear that news. When I saw her at the end of December we were still pretty hopeful that we would beat this.  To be honest, I don't think I ever thought that you wouldn't beat this. Maybe that was denial, I don't know. In the hosp

It's about 7:30 on Friday night. I worked until 6 tonight so it has been my weekend for about an hour and a half. I should be feeling awesome but I'm not. These days the weekend brings about a lot of loneliness. I've always hated spending time by myself. I just feel like I could always be with people. After my mom's service, we stopped receiving cards and meals and people stopped coming over to see us. Even my friends sort of backed away. Not on purpose, but they just went back to their "normal". I want to go back to my "normal" but that involves my mommy and she isn't here anymore. I have spent the majority of every weekend since my mom's service by myself. There was one weekend that we were in TN but I don't count that. By majority, I mean I may have had plans for a few hours during one of the days of each weekend.  Just because I live at home does not mean I want to spend every second with my family. FYI, when your mom dies it actually

It's Mother's Day here on Earth. Or maybe just in the US, since according to my daily planner, Mother's Day in Mexico was this past Friday. I pray that my momma will feel my love today. And everyday. I didn't get her a present this year, which wouldn't really come as a surprise to her because I always fell short in the present giving arena. Last year I bought her a card approximately 30 minutes before I was to meet up with my family for brunch. She loved me anyway. Moms are so good at that. Even though I messed up a lot, which is an extreme understatement, she kept loving me anyway. A few of my friends do that too. I can't quite understand why but I thank God for them just the same. I hope that if you are reading this, you will be encouraged to give your momma a big hug! I wish that I could give my momma just one more hug. It's kind of like when you have to say goodbye to someone and you say "just one more hug, I promise!" I wish I could have that

Hi Momma, Today is May 8, 2013. I wonder if it is the same date in Heaven. You have been there for a month now. Well, a month in Earthly time. How are you liking it? We sure do miss you back here. I can't stop thinking or saying how much I miss you.  We got home from Tennessee last night. I am glad to be home. Went back to work today which was fine. Tonight I met up with some of the biddies for ice cream and a card game. We had a fun time!  On Sunday, it is Mother's Day. I'm not sure how I will feel. My friend said that maybe I should skip church but I know you would say that I should face this head on. But, I also know you would say it was okay to stay home if I didn't feel like going. For now, I am able to remember things you would say or do. I keep remembering your classic dance move with your hands. You used to do it when you were excited. You used to do it even more when you were right about something!  I hate that I can't talk to you. I guess that is why I kee

Mommy! Your baby, Lindsay, graduated from college today! We are so proud of her! You must be too! I can picture you running around the clouds telling everyone about your baby's college graduation! Momma, she looked beautiful! I hope you saw her! We have been in Tennessee since Thursday. It's weird to be on a trip without you. I feel homesick. I guess that is because I miss you. I'm sure when we get back home I will still feel homesick. I wish you could have been here today. Actually I wish you could be here everyday. May 4, 2013, was your biggest goal. You were so close to making it. I know God's timing is perfect but I wonder why He didn't see fit for you to come to graduation. I assume that you probably know why now that you are in Heaven. Mommy, Lindsay wore your necklace today! She was so happy and also sad when daddy gave it to her. I can't believe you have already bought her graduation present before you left. Daddy actually gave it to her on the day

Mom, Don't forget to be watching us tomorrow! Lindsay's college graduation is at 9:30am! I'll write more later! Love, Kelsey