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Showing posts from March, 2013

What Will Change?

Watching someone die is nothing I would ever wish upon anyone. My mom is only physically dying. I know she will live eternally in Heaven with God but I am still filled with so much pain. I'm thankful that I was able to ask for forgiveness and "fix" every issue I had with my mother before she entered this stage of her life. I am comforted to know that the phrase "I love you", will be one of the last things I say to my mommy. Even though my mommy is still alive she is not the same woman I have known for the last 23 years. I wonder if anything will change after she passes away? Since she struggles to communicate these days, I am no longer able to go to her for advice or other things of the sort. I am still able to hug her even though she does not hug back the same way that she used to. It's hard for me to understand that someday soon I won't be able to hug her at all. I know it is silly of me to think that she will just wake up or start to get better

Untitled

I can't even think of a title for this one. I feel like I should be praying more. I'm sure God is looking down on me with a frown. I don't know what to pray for. I know that Coco is going to Heaven, where there will be no more pain, tears, or cancer. I don't feel angry at God and maybe that will come later. I know that He has always loved her and me so He didn't have anything to do with this cancer. It's just not in His will to make her cancer go away. Momma is tired and ready to go. She wants to go more than anything but I want her to stay more than anything. I'm scared about having to miss her for so many more years. Tonight it is hard for me to understand that God still has a beautiful plan for my life. This does not seem beautiful to me at all. I take peace in the knowledge that His Will was never designed for me to understand. I continue to remind myself...God, You are only good.

Oceans

I feel as though I could cry enough tears to fill every ocean, lake, and swimming pool on Earth. In the days since my first post on here, the months have been reduced to weeks. I am sitting at the end of couch watching my beautiful mommy sleep. She gets to spend her last couple of weeks at the home she worked so hard to give us. My mom told me she is so sorry that she is sick. It's okay, mom! She feels bad that she won't make it to see Lindsay walk across the stage and get her college diploma. I'm scared to know what life will be like without her. I want her to stay more than anything. I wish I could take back every disrespectful thing I have ever said about her or to her. I'm so thankful that she has forgiven me and that she loves me anyway. The pain I feel right now is deeper than words can describe. It's deep now and I still get to hug her. I cannot begin to imagine the pain that I will feel when I spend my first day apart from her. I have been frantica

Brave: Day 1

Being brave is waking up to your dad saying, "Kelsey please call 911 and get an ambulance for your mom. Also, I think Lindsay needs to fly home today." Actually calling 911 is brave. Plus, watching your mommy leave on a stretcher with oxygen on her face and pulling yourself together to get dressed and ready is also brave. Another 'wait. what?' moment. I had just woken up after hitting snooze way too many times. The first thing I did was call 911. I spent the entire day at the hospital. I held Coco's hand at times and cried when she cried. I also laughed and said "that's not funny" when she tried to play tricks on us. My heart continues to hurt in a way that I can't describe. But I continually remind myself that God is only good. God worked to get Lindsay home by noon. God also sent an awesome friend to spend time with me today. And my best friend picked me up at the hospital and drove me home tonight. As I am writing this I think, 'I thou

The Daughter of Wonder Woman

As I write this post, I am somewhere between a state of denial and an undoubting belief that my God will cure her of cancer. Actually, I am writing this post in the bedroom of the house, where I have lived with my parents, for the last twenty years. And now I am writing a post on a blog about bravery, when in fact I have no idea, how "to be brave". Maybe you are wondering about the 'her' that I mentioned in the first sentence. 'Her' is Wonder Woman. 'Her' is smart, beautiful, loving. 'Her' is hard-working, determined, motivated. 'Her' is brave. 'Her' answers to the name Momma (or Coco).  Coco became ill in August of 2011, and received a Pancreatic Cancer diagnosis in September of 2011. She had surgery, chemo, radiation, more chemo and a clinical trial. In June of 2012, my momma had no traces of cancer in her body. We threw a big party and attempted to find our way back to normal. On October 12, 2012, my world was turned