trying to be brave and stuff

I borrowed that title from a MercyMe song. Everyone is talking about the healing that needs to take place in my heart. I have no idea what that even means. I'm not exactly sure how to identify a "broken heart". My heart is sad in ways I just can't describe. My heart is sad about little things and big things. My heart is sad because I miss my mommy. However, I don't think it's broken. You see, Jesus is in my heart and so I feel as though it can't be "broken". Without this Savior, I wouldn't have the assurance that I will see her again in heaven. I wouldn't have hope that someday my heart will be filled with more joy than sadness (like it was before). I am so thankful that I don't have to know that kind of broken heart. I am sad everyday. I wish that I didn't have to be sad and so that is what I am working toward. I'll never be able to forget about her so I can't really see how I will ever not be sad like I am right now.

This week I have been sort of angry. By sort of, I mean VERY angry. I can't definitively say who or what I am mad at but I'm sure that I have probably taken it out on people this week. The worst part of that is, I don't really seem to care if I did or not. I don't want to say sorry for my emotions right now. I guess that hash tag #sorrynotsorry would be an appropriate theme for my week. Momma said that she wished she could go to Heaven and rest for a while and then come back. Well all I want to say is 'Mom, come back NOW!' She is on such a long vacation. Maybe my head is messed up but I still feel like she will come back. She is my MOM...she has to come back, right? That makes me mad because some people might think that I am living in the past. My grandma who has been dead since I was 3 hasn't come back yet, so obviously my mom isn't coming back. Seriously, sometimes when the home phone rings, I think it's her. I have no idea why. I didn't h

It's been 2 weeks since Momma met Jesus. I miss her more than I have ever missed anyone. It feels as though we are in a waiting stage. We're obviously not waiting for her to come back...since that's not happening. That is what it feels like I am waiting for though. I feel like a child who doesn't understand that death means she's never coming back from her vacation. How could she possibly want to leave us? We loved her as best as we could. Ultimately, it wasn't her decision but she was ready to be out of pain. I've been looking for God or my mom everywhere. There are a couple things that have happened since April 8, which reminded me that I am not alone. -my mom passed away at sunset. God knows I am terrified of the dark so I think He was looking out for me when He planned this. -the morning after my mom died I went out to move my car from the street to driveway and there was a tiny purple flower on my trunk. I brushed it off without thinking and then

I dream of writing you letters to tell you about my life. We all know I go on tangents when I talk so maybe this blog will help. I'm sad that you can never read any of this but it feels good to write it anyway. Oh great, here come my tears. Momma, these tears just come whenever they want to. I am still learning how "to be" with out you. It has only been 9 days, which feels like a lifetime. I can't imagine what a month or a year will feel like, let alone 5 years, and so on. I went back to work yesterday. I was scared; I could feel it in my tummy. I did okay. I prayed that God would carry me through the day and He did. He never fails. My schedule at work is a little chaotic right now. I have to establish my schedules with my clients again and you know how crazy that can be. The school year ends at the beginning of June. I had an interview for camp a few weeks ago; you were still here but very sick. I haven't heard yet but I am hoping to do that again this summer.

You’ll have to excuse me for not coming up with a better way to start this. My mom always helped me write all of the papers and speeches I needed to for school, including my college application essay. Oops. About 4 years ago, I randomly started calling my mom, Coco. She loved it. Most of my friends began to call her that also! It was her stripper name. Nah, just kidding, she wasn’t a stripper. She had always wanted a nickname though, so she said it was absolutely perfect. I am grateful for the memories I have of Coco. You see those beautiful ruby red slippers? My mom wore those when she retired from the Hospital. I was in fourth grade. On the day of her retirement, I had forgotten my violin at home and needed it for my lesson at school. I remember she was a little annoyed at me but brought the violin to school anyway, red shoes and all. Another memory I have is from the summer of 2011. I was joking around with my mom and Lindsay before I had to leave for work. I’m not really su

On Monday April 8, 2013, the most beautiful angel ascended into Heaven to be with her Savior. I'm so blessed to have been able to share 23 years of life with my momma. My heart is heavy and broken but I rejoice that she is free of cancer and pain and has new life in Heaven. She did not lose her fight with cancer because she was cured of cancer when she greeted The Lord. At some point I am going to post the witness of her life that I wrote and read at her Celebration of Life on April 13, 2013. I randomly cry but other than that I feel a strange sense of peace. Almost like it's not normal for me to feel like I do. Honestly, it feels like she is on a trip. I can't say whether or not it will hit me later. I have never been through this before and at such a young age, I'm not sure how I am supposed to feel. I am still able to laugh and smile and I'm so happy she is with Jesus. When I started this blog a few weeks ago, I was supposed to have months left with her. It