Hey Momma,
I dream of writing you letters to tell you about my life. We all know I go on tangents when I talk so maybe this blog will help. I'm sad that you can never read any of this but it feels good to write it anyway. Oh great, here come my tears. Momma, these tears just come whenever they want to. I am still learning how "to be" with out you. It has only been 9 days, which feels like a lifetime. I can't imagine what a month or a year will feel like, let alone 5 years, and so on.
I went back to work yesterday. I was scared; I could feel it in my tummy. I did okay. I prayed that God would carry me through the day and He did. He never fails. My schedule at work is a little chaotic right now. I have to establish my schedules with my clients again and you know how crazy that can be. The school year ends at the beginning of June. I had an interview for camp a few weeks ago; you were still here but very sick. I haven't heard yet but I am hoping to do that again this summer. I hope you remember how much I enjoy that part of my job.
Lindsay is back to school and she is being so brave. I can't imagine having the stress of missed work, finals, and graduation right now. She is still so happy that you were able to see her "graduate". Momma, you always came up with spontaneous ideas like that. I promised you that I will make her graduation amazing; I won't let you down. Daddy is so very sad too. Sometimes people invite him to things. Today he is playing golf with some people from church. On Saturday he has a party to go to with some of your friends. He is nervous to go without you. He misses you so very much. Sometimes tears build up in his eyes but I think he is afraid to let them fall when I am around. I am scared to let my tears fall around anyone else too. I don't want to make them upset or uncomfortable. The house feels empty without you. Don't worry we haven't gotten rid of any of your stuff yet. I wish we never would, but I know we will have to eventually. It's a big house for 2 people. Lindsay will be home soon, so that will make 3. I still wish that 4 people lived here.
I am still able to smile even though you aren't here to see it. My friends have been incredible. I know that at times they don't know what to say or do but they are loving me as best as they can. When I don't feel like doing something or going somewhere, I think about how you would say.."GO! Go have fun!".
Momma, we had a Celebration of Life service for you this past Saturday. I asked you a few weeks ago if I could speak a witness to your life. You said that you'd be honored. I hope I showed people how amazing you are. I don't want to use the word "were"; mostly because I wish that you weren't gone. The service was beautiful. We restored your ruby red slippers and they sat on the altar, next to you.
Tears are still falling down my face. It's the slow kind, the kind that just flow like a stream that never ceases. I have cried a couple kinds of tears since you left us. At first I experienced the sobbing kind, that was a few minutes after you passed away. That is the kind where all I am thinking is, 'No, this can't be happening'. Other times, tears build up in my eyes and I hold them there until they dry. Though, I wouldn't be surprised if that just saves them for later. A few times, I have wept. Jesus wept, you know. Those tears come hard and fast as I struggle to get air into my lungs. I have no doubts that I will experience all of these again in a cyclical pattern.
Oh Momma, I miss you in ways that I have trouble describing. My birthday is next month. I don't want you to miss it. I'll be 24, which isn't anything special, but you always loved birthdays. I can't help but think about all of the other things you are going to miss in the future. I am relieved that Christmas is far away, because that was your favorite and I can't imagine celebrating it without you. We sang a Christmas carol at your service, per your request. It was Hark the Herald Angels Sing. You loved angels and had so very many of them. There are so many things that you will miss but I remind myself how amazing Heaven must be.
For now, I must head back to work. I miss your hugs and kisses before work every morning. I love that about living at home. I try to give daddy lots of hugs and kisses. Today I gave him two hugs before work because I had to run back in the house to get something. Momma, I love you so very much. I hope you know that I will love you forever. I know this letter was all about me but I hope you are having a good time in Heaven. I will see you again.
Love, Kelsey
P.S. If you have time, please write back. You know the address.
I went back to work yesterday. I was scared; I could feel it in my tummy. I did okay. I prayed that God would carry me through the day and He did. He never fails. My schedule at work is a little chaotic right now. I have to establish my schedules with my clients again and you know how crazy that can be. The school year ends at the beginning of June. I had an interview for camp a few weeks ago; you were still here but very sick. I haven't heard yet but I am hoping to do that again this summer. I hope you remember how much I enjoy that part of my job.
Lindsay is back to school and she is being so brave. I can't imagine having the stress of missed work, finals, and graduation right now. She is still so happy that you were able to see her "graduate". Momma, you always came up with spontaneous ideas like that. I promised you that I will make her graduation amazing; I won't let you down. Daddy is so very sad too. Sometimes people invite him to things. Today he is playing golf with some people from church. On Saturday he has a party to go to with some of your friends. He is nervous to go without you. He misses you so very much. Sometimes tears build up in his eyes but I think he is afraid to let them fall when I am around. I am scared to let my tears fall around anyone else too. I don't want to make them upset or uncomfortable. The house feels empty without you. Don't worry we haven't gotten rid of any of your stuff yet. I wish we never would, but I know we will have to eventually. It's a big house for 2 people. Lindsay will be home soon, so that will make 3. I still wish that 4 people lived here.
I am still able to smile even though you aren't here to see it. My friends have been incredible. I know that at times they don't know what to say or do but they are loving me as best as they can. When I don't feel like doing something or going somewhere, I think about how you would say.."GO! Go have fun!".
Momma, we had a Celebration of Life service for you this past Saturday. I asked you a few weeks ago if I could speak a witness to your life. You said that you'd be honored. I hope I showed people how amazing you are. I don't want to use the word "were"; mostly because I wish that you weren't gone. The service was beautiful. We restored your ruby red slippers and they sat on the altar, next to you.
Tears are still falling down my face. It's the slow kind, the kind that just flow like a stream that never ceases. I have cried a couple kinds of tears since you left us. At first I experienced the sobbing kind, that was a few minutes after you passed away. That is the kind where all I am thinking is, 'No, this can't be happening'. Other times, tears build up in my eyes and I hold them there until they dry. Though, I wouldn't be surprised if that just saves them for later. A few times, I have wept. Jesus wept, you know. Those tears come hard and fast as I struggle to get air into my lungs. I have no doubts that I will experience all of these again in a cyclical pattern.
Oh Momma, I miss you in ways that I have trouble describing. My birthday is next month. I don't want you to miss it. I'll be 24, which isn't anything special, but you always loved birthdays. I can't help but think about all of the other things you are going to miss in the future. I am relieved that Christmas is far away, because that was your favorite and I can't imagine celebrating it without you. We sang a Christmas carol at your service, per your request. It was Hark the Herald Angels Sing. You loved angels and had so very many of them. There are so many things that you will miss but I remind myself how amazing Heaven must be.
For now, I must head back to work. I miss your hugs and kisses before work every morning. I love that about living at home. I try to give daddy lots of hugs and kisses. Today I gave him two hugs before work because I had to run back in the house to get something. Momma, I love you so very much. I hope you know that I will love you forever. I know this letter was all about me but I hope you are having a good time in Heaven. I will see you again.
Love, Kelsey
P.S. If you have time, please write back. You know the address.
Comments
Post a Comment