#sorrynotsorry
This week I have been sort of angry. By sort of, I mean VERY angry. I can't definitively say who or what I am mad at but I'm sure that I have probably taken it out on people this week. The worst part of that is, I don't really seem to care if I did or not. I don't want to say sorry for my emotions right now. I guess that hash tag #sorrynotsorry would be an appropriate theme for my week.
Momma said that she wished she could go to Heaven and rest for a while and then come back. Well all I want to say is 'Mom, come back NOW!'
She is on such a long vacation. Maybe my head is messed up but I still feel like she will come back. She is my MOM...she has to come back, right? That makes me mad because some people might think that I am living in the past. My grandma who has been dead since I was 3 hasn't come back yet, so obviously my mom isn't coming back. Seriously, sometimes when the home phone rings, I think it's her. I have no idea why.
I didn't have very many friends in high school. Other than attending youth group and it's associated events, I spent most of my time at home with my parents. It has been my personal experience that people love you and leave you. Not on purpose but because that's how life works. Well, I think that is stupid. I'm not as close those few people that I did hang out with in high school. And all of the people I looked up to during those years, I have no contact with anymore. They all pretty much moved away after they went to college. Then I went off to college and made great friends. None like I've ever had before. Post graduation has made it hard keep in touch with many of those people. (Maybe this is all a tangent. I write this for me so I guess it doesn't matter anyway.) So, all those people loved me but had to move on with life. Well, my momma loved me more than all those people. And now she left. I am angry. Let me tell you how awful it feels to be even a little bit mad at your deceased mommy. I know she would have stayed but she wanted to be out of pain. How selfish of me to want her to live through that so I could have her in my life.
People ask me if I am angry at God. That answer is no. I'm not saying I won't be later but I just don't feel like I have a reason to be mad at God now. I don't know who or what I am angry at, but it's not God. This means, I'll be looking for anything and everything to be the trigger/target for my anger.
This grieving thing is exhausting. Not as much physically anymore as it is emotionally exhausting. I don't know how to do it. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. I'm too worn out to care right now. #sorrynotsorry
Mom, come back, please! I don't want to wait for my turn to go home. I want to go right now.
Momma said that she wished she could go to Heaven and rest for a while and then come back. Well all I want to say is 'Mom, come back NOW!'
She is on such a long vacation. Maybe my head is messed up but I still feel like she will come back. She is my MOM...she has to come back, right? That makes me mad because some people might think that I am living in the past. My grandma who has been dead since I was 3 hasn't come back yet, so obviously my mom isn't coming back. Seriously, sometimes when the home phone rings, I think it's her. I have no idea why.
I didn't have very many friends in high school. Other than attending youth group and it's associated events, I spent most of my time at home with my parents. It has been my personal experience that people love you and leave you. Not on purpose but because that's how life works. Well, I think that is stupid. I'm not as close those few people that I did hang out with in high school. And all of the people I looked up to during those years, I have no contact with anymore. They all pretty much moved away after they went to college. Then I went off to college and made great friends. None like I've ever had before. Post graduation has made it hard keep in touch with many of those people. (Maybe this is all a tangent. I write this for me so I guess it doesn't matter anyway.) So, all those people loved me but had to move on with life. Well, my momma loved me more than all those people. And now she left. I am angry. Let me tell you how awful it feels to be even a little bit mad at your deceased mommy. I know she would have stayed but she wanted to be out of pain. How selfish of me to want her to live through that so I could have her in my life.
People ask me if I am angry at God. That answer is no. I'm not saying I won't be later but I just don't feel like I have a reason to be mad at God now. I don't know who or what I am angry at, but it's not God. This means, I'll be looking for anything and everything to be the trigger/target for my anger.
This grieving thing is exhausting. Not as much physically anymore as it is emotionally exhausting. I don't know how to do it. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. I'm too worn out to care right now. #sorrynotsorry
Mom, come back, please! I don't want to wait for my turn to go home. I want to go right now.
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