Two Years

Mommy,

"Colleen - Know that the work you have done will carry on. The lives of the people you touched are better today because of who you are and how you helped and gave of yourself."

Two Years. How can it already be April 8, 2015? It feels as though I was with you just last week while at the same time it feels like we've been apart for too many moons. It's like a Catch 22, I'm getting farther and farther from seeing you while getting closer and closer to hugging you again. Only God knows the exact day where more time will have passed than I will have left until we reunite. Does that make sense? For now, it has only been two years and could be so many more until I see you again. Some day that number will change and I won't know it but each day after that will be one day closer to you.

"Colleen, you are an inspiration to many people. Your courage and strength are admirable."

"There are so many times that you gave and gave yourself Colleen, and although we don't "earn" our salvation, I can't imagine that there won't be a mighty big crown for you when you reach that final exam."

"Remembering something you told me and I will never forget.  You have said  that when you are faced with adversity, to always take the high road. Well, my dear, YOU have taken the high road!  Thank you for your wisdom and your example!"

"You probably have no idea of the inspiration that you are and how that has impacted so many lives in such a positive way."

As I have been missing you over the last few weeks, I spent some time on your CaringBridge site, reading over the posts in the guestbook. I loved reading what people had to say about you. You were amazing. And so throughout this letter I am going to include some excerpts to remind myself just how blessed I was to be called your daughter.

"You have fought the good fight and can rest in the knowledge that you did. You are so loved and admired by so many. Your life has been a true blessing to others. Your amazing husband and daughters will have an extreme void in their lives, but will be comforted that you are at peace with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ"

 "You all have had this difficult hill to climb but Colleen, the wonder woman she is, was and always will be, has done a wonderful job with all of you by her side"

"thanked God today for the blessing of knowing you. I am a better person because of you."

"I want you to know how grateful I am for the time I've had with you. I've learned so much from your dedication, passion, and professionalism. I cherish your sense of humor and humility, and seek to inform my work and family life with the inspiration I've gained from knowing you. Know that you will forever be a treasured member of our team. We are stronger, more determined, and more successful for your dedication & example. Your spirit is invincible. You are Super Woman."

"I am truly blessed and grateful for the time we've known each other. You have shared with me your strength, your amazing character, your love of God, and your love of life itself. You have an amazing gift of sharing life with others"

"You have been such an inspiration to so many. You have also driven those closest to you crazy with your continual push for detail and perfection and your intense, internal sense of what defines fairness. Your constant desire to go above and beyond is legendary. I have never met someone as creative and giving as you are"

"Your beauty, courage, and strength has raised the bar very high."

Today was a rainy and foggy day. It was the kind of day where you just know that you don't even want to get out of bed. It was the total opposite of two years ago. April 8, 2013, it was sunny and the temperature was in the 70's. You left us just after 5:30 pm as the sun was getting low in the backyard and the air began to get cooler for night fall. it started to rain within an hour after you'd left, and it felt as though the whole Earth was crying with me. It rained for the rest of the night but in the morning, the sun was shining so brightly just after 7am. It was like God was telling me that I was going to be just fine. I remember being terrified every single night that you were on Hospice, that you would pass away during the night but thankfully God had the best plan for us. You left us at sunset, on the most beautiful Spring day.

 "I don't know your daughters, but they must be as amazing as you are....they learned from the best!"

"I will truly miss her wit and mentor-ship. She was one of a kind and touched so many people's lives."

"I've only gotten to know you through the works of the Collaboratives, but boy, what an impression you make! Infectious enthusiasm, permanent smiling and positive energy, that combo of warmth/hugs with critical thinking/creative ideas, balancing what is an obvious loving family with a busy, meaningful career ... And always "dressed to the nine's" doing it all! What an inspiration you have been and will continue to be for so many, as a constant reminder of diving into life with joy."

 "Colleen, please know that your courageous example has impacted my life in a way that I will never forget. I am making it my goal to live life with the same fearlessness and selflessness you have shown, and to live out the love of Jesus the way you have."

"Colleen, you'll always be Wonder Woman to me. You're a superhero in many ways. The cape you wear is made of love, family, friends and faith. Couldn't ask for it to be made of anything better."

"Colleen, you are a true prize fighter and have touched so many lives at every stage of your journey."

Two years. I feel like I am a completely different person than I was two years ago. I'm so sad that you can't know me now. Not that I am really any better, or worse for that matter. I just miss telling you about everything. Momma, it has been 730 days since I've laid eyes on you, hugged you and heard your voice. Some days, I got it right. You know, I took the high road, stood up for what is right, and loved well. I feel like there were hundreds of days, where I couldn't pull it together. Maybe you would have been disappointed, or maybe you would have just loved me no matter what and told me that tomorrow would be better. I hope for the latter.

"You will always be my model for strength, courage and grace under fire"

"I am so proud of all of you. This journey is being handled with such dignity. I know that you were right when you told me that God has a plan for you."

"I feel short-sided/ripped-off. Jealous that I didn't get spend a large amount of time with you. And yet on such limited contact, you have made such a positive, heart-warming impression. On limited contact, you have entered my heart."

Mommy, I still don't know anything about being brave. This is my 94th post on this blog and I feel like I still know nothing at all. Being fearful, that I know about. I am fearful all the time. I find fear in the quiet and the darkness, during the times that I miss you the most. I have fear because I want you here, I feel like I need you here...to help me, teach me. I would say "to love me', but you already do love me. And I'm certain that you will never stop loving me. I just wish I could feel your love in a big mama bear hug. I say that I don't know about being brave but I know I have been brave. I find my bravery in small moments. I've found it during the small victories of a journey up a big mountain. I've found it at the end of a long day where I've cried many tears and my heart aches for you. I know that if I can fall asleep, I will wake up to a brand new day. You were an exemplar of bravery. I aspire to live just like that. Momma, to wake up for 730 days and not see you or get to speak one word with you, that is brave. I know you would say it was because you knew how scared I was to live this life without you. Momma, one day, maybe many decades away when I pull my tired body of out bed, it will finally be the day that I get to see you again. You know when you are so excited for something and you can feel it in your tummy and you have trouble sleeping, well I'm sure it will be nothing like that. Death isn't super predictable. When I arrive at Eternity's shores, my heart will be filled with the joy that I could never have dreamed about on Earth.

"I’ve only known you for two years and you have forever touched my heart, renewed my faith and taught me so much in such a short period of time. The love of family, the passion for what you believe in and for always holding onto hope – these are your special gifts you have given to us, leading us by your amazing example. I don’t think I have ever met someone with such inner strength."

"She was a wonderful woman and a fierce fighter. It was a long struggle and she fought the good fight."

"Colleen continues to inspire me in my work. By helping us in our PCMH work, her legacy continues in the 31 practices and thousands of patients that benefit from the improvements that continue to be made. Colleen will not be forgotten here with my team or in our corner of North Carolina."

I have spent some time over this second year, reminding myself: God is God and I am not. Oh, how true that is. How selfish of me to wish you were here, when your last months on Earth were filled with so much physical pain. You were never mad at me for wanting more time with you. You even said that you wanted more time with us. You told me a few times that I should remember that this was going to set you free. You would fall into the arms of Jesus and be completely free of pain. I wanted that for you too. We couldn't have it all though. At least not here on Earth. How sweet it is that you are free of pain and waiting for me to find you in Heaven! God is amazing that He can give us hope for eternal life after death. Momma, on my very hardest days I am going to dream about seeing you again. I simply cannot wait to hug you, touch your face, to never have to say good bye again. Oh how undeserving we are of that Eternal gift. His grace is enough.

"Colleen was much stronger and braver than I ever knew, and you were fortunate to have her in your lives."

I have cried many tears during the second year. I just cannot help that. Right now I am crying big crocodile tears. A piece of my heart broke on that 8th day of April in 2013. I remember thinking minutes after you left, how my world would never be the same. I was sure that it would never feel quite right. I took so much of our time for granted but I am forever grateful for the precious moments where we finished our final sentences and hugged our last big hugs. Mommy, we closed that chapter perfectly. I wouldn't change a thing. Well, I would have added some more chapters in the middle. Like thousands of more pages to our story as mother and daughter. I've been continuing my story without your physical presence. It is hard. It seems so much harder than I ever imagined while at the same time feeling completely sustainable. Two years in and I am doing just fine. It wouldn't be my first choice but I am doing what I can with what I know. You told me during our last heart to heart that you would be anxiously waiting to hear all about my life. Which is almost hard to comprehend because it's as if comparing our separation to the length of a vacation as you tell me that you can't wait to hear about my trip. My trip, my story that will span numerous decades without a single conversation from you. That is super hard to comprehend. And you know, I don't have to try to understand it right now. I can take this life minute by minute, day by day. Sometimes, that's all I can manage just to get through to bedtime. Even so, it's another day closer to you. Another line in my story for you. I also cannot wait to share my life with you in Heaven.

"But above all else, you were always there for me - to answer all and any questions and provide those in person hugs. Your fighting spirit was always evident but it never masked your ability to make people laugh, even at themselves.  You have such positive energy around you that your aura is never diminished.  Your faith is astounding and you have helped me to restore belief in my own faith and try to be a much more positive person."

As I read what people have to say about you, I can't help but feel incredibly blessed that God chose you as my momma! You were loved. I really believe that if love could cure cancer, you'd be here with me. Momma, you loved us fiercely. You loved me in ways that I may never understand, and I feel cheated that I didn't get enough time with you. I know that in God's eyes we had the perfect amount of time together. Two years in and I humbly admit that I have not yet felt mad at God for calling you home. I wouldn't choose it for myself and I would do anything to have you back but I keep trusting that His plan was, is, and always will be better than my own. We never see the whole image, the entire road, the detailed itinerary. We only get small glimpses into God's plan and you were always so good at making the most of what you had. It is likely that I will live out the rest of my days without much understanding of why we only had 23 years together. I think when I get to Heaven, this could all make sense to me.

"Your remarkable journey and your incredible fight remind me just how resilient God has made us, has made you."

   

"She did not lose the fight. She showed grace and dignity to those she loved and to those who were charged with her care."

"Your courage, inspirational; your attitude, amazing; your sense of humor, astounding; your spiritual life, exceptional; your family, faithful;  your work ethic, insurmountable; your life on earth, fulfilling; But the best is yet to come; heaven awaits!"

It is evident that I have some mighty big shoes to fill. I admire you more now than I ever could have two years ago. You were imperfect, as we all are. You lived each day to the very best of your ability, following a plan greater than your own. I dream of being even a quarter of the woman you were. That might even be a far shot. I will keep working at it though. Your light will never go dim, I will always be able to find it up ahead. God called you home for a reason. I think we can all take note that you served your purpose for this life in a shorter of amount of time than most. You always were one for breaking records and setting high scores. One day, I hope to shine my light as brightly as you did. I'll try to work harder, be braver, pour out grace, and love better. I think I will always be sad. I'm certain there will be days where I miss you the most, but I know that I can always come and find you. You'll be right here in my heart. A part of you, is a part of me, and always will be.

"First of all you know how much I have loved you from day one and to the Queen Colleen, Conqueror of Cancer, you will forever be known as that to me in my heart. My promise to you is that I will keep working harder to find better treatments. You are truly my heroine and I wish so badly we could have done better. A journey of strength and courage you have endured....and continue to endure in the utmost of grace."

"God is going to use you up until the second he calls you home. I thank you for your witness to and for Him!"

Mommy, I am so immensely blessed by God who designed our journeys to cross, and diverge, and to meet up again in the place where there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:4 

 "I know that when she reaches heaven - God will truly say "Well done, good and faithful servant."

"Colleen, have a safe and peaceful journey Home! God has blessed you and He is waiting for you."

"Heaven surely received a wonder woman today."

I miss you always and I'll love you forever. Life is short, I'll see you soon.

Kelsey