I don't even know

Lately I have been filled with so much anxiety. It just comes and stays and doesn't go away. I can't pinpoint why the past week has been filled with so much anxiety. Maybe it's the medicine I recently switched to. Or maybe it's just life. 

Today it has been 60 days since I have seen Coco. Oh how I miss saying that name out loud. It is hard for me to think about how her body isn't in the same form that I've always known. For now, her ashes sit in our family room. I wish her real "alive" body sat in our family room. 

My emotions are out of control all the time. I feel like no one understands. I feel like I just NEED her. I can't even describe why. I guess I am in denial because I still can't believe that she wasn't cured of cancer. I just want to rewind and do something different so that we can get a different outcome. I don't know when this will feel better. I feel lonely almost all of the time. I want to be with my friends as much as possible because that is what normal is right now. I want normal. And I want Coco back.

Tomorrow I will be writing her a letter since it will be 2 months since she met Jesus. (The longest I have ever gone without seeing her was 3 months)

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