trying to be brave and stuff

Mommy, On September 14, 2013, we held the first and only Colleen Marie Schwartz Memorial Golf Outing! It was so much fun! The weather was nice but chilly at times, especially when the clouds covered the sun. About 50 people came out to play golf in memory of you! Everyone who signed up, showed up! Dad was so excited! I was on a team with Dad, Lindsay, and Aunt Joan. We legitimately came in last place but it's okay! Here are some pictures from the day...  Deb was stationed at the registration table  Dad ordered these monogrammed tees! (it was my idea though)  We had a picture of you at the first tee  Before the outing started. It was so early!  Dad and his sister We also had a picture of you at the 18th green    Mom, that's my serious golf face   At one point, Lindsay sunk the longest putt ever! We were all screaming!  We definitely missed you Momma!  After the outin...

Momma,  Today is your wedding anniversary! If you were still here, you and dad would be celebrating 29 years of marriage! That's so incredible!  I think Dad has been feeling pretty sad today. I can just sort of tell. I believe he actually forgot that it was your anniversary until a few days ago. I mentioned it on Friday and he said he didn't even realize. We celebrated you a lot this weekend because we had a golf outing in memory and celebration of you yesterday! I will write about that this week and send some pictures.  Mommy I love you so much and I miss you everyday. I am so glad that you and dad got married so that you could be my mommy.  Be good, Kelsey

Hi Momma, Five months. Wow. It's been two months more than three months (which equals 5. See, that math tutor in high school was worth it) which means that it's already been two months more than the longest we were apart while you were on this Earth. Was that confusing? The longest time we spent apart was three months while I was in Greece and now it has been five. Five is still my favorite number but I'd rather do without this particular number. I was reading through your CaringBridge this month because I really wanted to feel like you were talking to me. It was bittersweet to read through the posts because I miss you so much. I wanted to include this short excerpt from your second to last post on December 31, 2012. It is comforting for me to read this and know that you were not scared at all. Momma, I admire how brave you were. I know that a part of that is also in me, but I haven't completely discovered it yet. Well, we did a total makeover on the family roo...

I think I cried almost every day this week. It just happens. I don't think this is something that will ever go away. I looked up Coco's CaringBridge site this week and began to read the posts that she had written. I wanted to feel like she was talking to me, like she was writing just for me. I could picture her saying every word she had typed. And then I decided to search through all of my emails to see if I could find anything special from her. Most of the ones in my Messiah email were just random things. I guess we never really emailed that much because I was able to see her so much during college. Then when I moved home we really didn't email because I was able to see her everyday. Someday soon I am going to look through all of the cards she sent me in college or gave me for my birthdays. I miss her handwriting. This is so silly but I always wanted to have her handwriting. It was so pretty and mom-like and I just really loved it. Most days my handwriting is chicken-scrat...

Tonight I got home to find that no one was home. As I walked into the empty home, I was struck with a flashback.  March 22, 2013. Mom, tonight you came home from the hospital after your 3 day stay there. We brought you home with the help of hospice. We got you all settled for the night and you slept upstairs. Dad carried you up there. It was the last time you ever slept in your own bed. It was just easier for you to sleep downstairs in the bed that hospice provided. Dad slept down there with you every single night. Anyway, dad, deb, JP, and Linds went out to get something to eat. Kristy, Ash, and Kate came over and they hung out downstairs and made me chocolate chip pancakes. I was upstairs with you, laying on your bed...talking about life. We talked about so much but at the same time it wasn't enough. I cried so much and you stayed so brave. We both knew you were going to Heaven soon. After a while, you told me you were ready to get some rest. Oh, how I didn't want to say okay...

Today I went to a baby shower for someone I have known for a long time! Her mom was an aide in my kindergarten classroom. She told me this story today that I don't remember hearing before. I want to write about it so I don't forget. I remember that Mrs. H worked in my kindergarten classroom but I don't remember any specific stories. Mrs. H told me today that my mom used to come in and help out once a week in the classroom. Each time she did so, I hated when she had to leave and would cry. I always asked my mom to take me with her. I was also told that I would try to sneak out of the classroom and follow my mom. Mrs. H always got me before I left the room. Well one day, I succeeded in sneaking out of the room and I began to follow my mom down the hallway. My mom pretended like she didn't know I was following her. Mrs. H ran out into the hall and called my name so I ran back to her. And my mom, without having ever turned around, just held up her hand and waved goodbye. I ...

Dear Momma, Today marks the fourth month since you've left Earth for Heaven. What's it like? Are there seasons? We had one hot week of summer. Which just so happened to be the week I helped out with VBS at my church. The weather for the past 2 weeks has been cooler. I hate it. I want hot weather. When I write these I pretend that God prints them out and gives them to you. How sweet would that be? Maybe He does. I feel like so much has happened in the past month. It's hard to remember everything. The last day of STAP camp was July 26. STAP flew by, although, it was crazy at times and quite difficult. We also started to re-do the family room. The painter has been here all week painting. We picked out Bansai Tint for the walls. It is a light green color. I am going to post pictures of the room in a later post...maybe God also has a color printer! On July 14, I participated in The Color Run Philadelphia. This year was different than last year. Last year there were 4 of us...