Choose to Be Brave

Mommy,

I know that there is no possible way you will read this post because I feel like pain just pours out of every sentence. In Heaven there is no pain or sorrow so if you saw this letter and knew the pain in my heart you would feel it too and that just doesn't happen in Heaven. But just incase God will deliver some message to you, I'm gonna write it anyway.

Don't be mad if I cry,
It just hurts so bad sometimes 
Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again

I feel like I am having the week from Hell, mommy. I know that everything is just so silly but it has me completely overwhelmed. On Monday, I got an inch long burn on my finger from my flat iron, and got into a fight with dad. Tuesday, I had a meltdown at work because it just feels so chaotic in the classroom right now and I left my food (that I was going to take for lunch the next day) at a restaurant that evening. Tonight I went to the dentist where I found out that I have 5 cavities and need to get my wisdom teeth out ASAP.

You know I bet it feels good
To have the weight of this world
Off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day
When I'm finally there with you

Momma, one thing after another has me completely worn out. I want you to be here to help me. I really feel like I cannot do it without you. 

Save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon
Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I know that you would say to pray to God and I guess that I really haven't done that. I have no idea where to start except to tell Him that I'm exhausted. I know I am still so blessed but I think even those who are blessed can feel worn out at times. Mommy what did you say to God on days where you were completely overwhelmed?

I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

I would give anything just to chat with you for a while. Oh, I would come prepared with a list of questions 5 miles long, just seeking answers from you. I feel so inadequate to conquer this life like you did. Maybe it's just this week. Momma, I know you are resting in Heaven, awaiting our arrival. I want to see you there now. I know I have to wait but it is hard. 

So you just save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon
Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I know you would say to be brave and I'm trying. With every ounce of my being I'm trying to stay brave but it is hard! I don't ever remember you being scared and you always said I worried too much.
You were a warrior and I am a worrier. I remember on August 4, 2011, the first time you went to the hospital: I sat next to you on the bed and you could see in my tear-filled eyes that I was terrified but you laughed and said it would all be just fine. Oh, how clueless I was to the trials of the next 19 months. I felt brave for all that time because our whole family was fighting the same battles. But this world takes no mercy and I feel unarmed and unequipped without you. And as hard as it is for me to admit this, I know what you would say: baby, you are brave on your own. your bravery is inside of you, it's a part of you. 
Mommy, I'm going to be brave like you even if tears are falling from my eyes. I'm going to be brave like you when I don't know how because it's a part of me and all I have to do is choose it. Choose to be brave, just like you did.

I wanna live my life just like you did
And make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did, oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Update (9/25/14): the weather was rainy all day and I decided I would do my run at the gym. I walked out to my car after work and forgot my car key so I had to walk back in and get it. I wish that hadn't happened because on the way home my car was rear-ended on the highway. I pulled over and got out to look at my car. The lady came up to me and said "I'm sorry Hun, I wasn't paying attention." I didn't cry at all until after I got her insurance info and got back into my car. On the rest of the drive home (no energy for gym now) I cried out to God to help me because I can't do this week anymore.

Just save a place for me, save a place for me
Cause I will be there soon

Mommy, I wonder if God needed to let that happen so I would cry out to Him. I've been trying to do this week all on my own and I cannot do it anymore. I never could. I need God to help me. Did you cry out to God for help when you couldn't do it anymore? Momma, you were the fiercest fighter I've ever known but there are parts of you that I didn't see. Perhaps you did cry out to God for help just as I did today. Different battles, different stories, but all filled with exhaustion, heartache, desperation. Maybe we all just need God to help us be brave. 

Save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad

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