Seventeen Months

Mommy,

Well today is the seventeenth month. Also, it's a Monday. I'm just going to get right into it...

So so much has happened in the past month! 

First up was Kristy's Bachelorette Party! We went down to Rehoboth Beach. 


The following weekend was Shalisa's Bachelorette Party at Lake Wallenpaupack!


Both of the biddies bachelorette parties were a blast! 

The fourth weekend of August hosted the Warrior Dash on Saturday...

And Kristy's Bridal Shower on Sunday!

The shower itself wasn't a surprise but the location and details were a surprise. I think she had a really nice time!

Labor Day Weekend was up next. The whole family went to the Zac Brown Band concert on Sunday night and then on Monday, Lindsay and I went kayaking!

And finally, this past weekend was Kristy's Wedding! I will do a separate post about that but it was awesome! 

Momma...this was probably the busiest month that I've had in a really long time! But it was also one of the hardest months that I've had in a long time. I felt sadness that hit harder and deeper than I had expected it could at this point in time. I felt so completely lost without you as I tried to plan these parties. I felt so completely inadequate as a Maid of Honor to my best friend that I spent multiple nights crying over my flaws in coordination, planning, and creativity. My heart ached for you this month with intensity levels deeper than I could have predicted for seventeen months into this journey. Mommy, I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep while yelling out for you to just come back. I find that when I am at my lowest the only thing I can say over and over again is "mommy, come back." I understand that this could be mistaken for denial but in reality...it is the fastest route from my heart to my mouth. When those words exit my mouth, it is abundantly clear that my pain is real and it is deep. There were times this month where I wanted to come up to Heaven to see you and while that will be oh, so beautiful; it is scary and uncomfortable. I know that I need to stay here but there was a two day period this month where my pain was so intense, I slept for most of my waking hours just to avoid those thoughts. On the third day, I woke up and decided that I couldn't do that anymore. I needed to choose bravery. If not for myself, then for you, because I promised you that I would never stop being brave. 

Mommy, being brave is sooo scary but today is 518 days since I've seen you. To wake up everyday for FIVE HUNDRED AND EIGHTEEN DAYS with the biggest hole in your heart is BRAVE. As I typed out that number, tears poured from my eyes and down my cheeks. I hate how that number is going to get bigger and bigger. I'm terrified. There is an opposite side. Only God knows the actual statistics but eventually that number will get smaller. While I shouldn't live my life with either mentality, I don't ever have to stop dreaming about seeing you again.

My heart hurts, my tears are plenty, and the pain really never seems to subside. I will only take one day at a time because honestly, that's all I know how to do. Mommy, I will choose to be brave. On days when I can't on my own, I will do it for you. I will call upon God and I will call upon my best friends to help me be brave, especially when I am hard to love.

Momma, I'm so lonely without you but my tears continue to be a testimony to the love that I still have for you! I know that I can always find you...you are waiting for me...in my dreams and in the places that are dark and scary, you are there during happy times too. You are and you always will be inside of my heart. I can always find you there. As your baby, I am a part of you and so I get to carry you with me wherever I go. I get to carry you with me until the very moment that I get to see you again. The moment that we embrace will be beautiful. I know that it will be beautiful because the journey to that moment will have been defined by bravery. 

As I lay down to sleep tonight, I pray that I will see you in my dreams. But I know if I don't, I can always look for you tomorrow and everyday after that! 

Love you to infinity and beyond,
Kelsey

(P.S. please write back!)




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