25th Birthday

Momma,

Today was my 25th birthday. To be oh so honest, it was so rough. The morning was great, Momma! I ran The Color Run in Hershey! Our whole family participated and a few of my friends came too! I just love the color so that was fun. My friends put me on stage and I had no idea what was going to happen but the DJ had 10,000 people sing happy birthday to me. It was crazy but it was a blur because it happened so fast. I told Dad that I think you would have enjoyed The Color Run also but you definitely would have thought the music was too loud. 

The rest of the day was really awful. I say that from a first world perspective. The worst feeling for me is to be lonely and that is exactly what I felt. I spend most weekends by myself with no plans and on the week nights, I rarely seen anyone. So for me to spend the entire afternoon and evening by myself was so hard for me. I wished you were there because you would have come up with something fun for us to do. I guess the family thought that I had plans with friends so they all made plans and my friends were busy or just forgot so they made other plans. I cried for about 4 hours that afternoon. I said over and over again, how I wanted you to just come back and see me. The pain I felt that day was unreal. I wanted that day to be over more than anything. I really don't feel like I ask for much but all I wanted for my birthday was to not be alone. I didn't want a single gift, I just wanted to be around people. Momma, I could be around people all day, everyday and never get sick of it. Ironically, these days, I spend most of my time alone. I hate it. That's not the life for me, I need to be around people. I'm not saying all of this from a selfish perspective; I don't want fancy birthday celebration stuff, I just want to be around people. It's so simple. For one day, I just want to feel less lonely. 

I sat by myself in the backyard for an hour but I started crying too much so I went inside.

Tonight, Dad, Deb, JP, and I went out to dinner at an Italian restaurant in Camp Hill. I felt miserable. I literally tried to stop crying all afternoon, but the tears just kept coming. I was eating my salad at dinner, when I found a dead bug. It was so gross. The owner gave me free dessert for the mishap. And I thought, this would happen to me today. 

Back at the house, I received a few gifts. I would trade those all of those gifts just to have been around people all afternoon. Momma, I feel like I will always cry on my birthday. It's hard to even describe the pain that I feel each time it comes around. The first year was definitely easier than today was. I know they say the second year is actually the hardest year and I can totally understand that. Everything that happens during the first year just feels so surreal. It passed by so fast that there was really no time to process any of it. Mommy, this second year is brutal. I have cried for countless hours and it's only two months past one year. 

I also read the book, today, that you got me for Christmas in 2011. I read the personal message that you wrote over and over again. 

Momma, I miss you so much. My heart aches for you, especially today. This was the day that you became a momma. Your love will never stop and neither will mine. 

So, on the saddest days, I quietly remind myself, that I'll see you again soon. 

Love you always, 

Kelsey