Eleven Months

Momma,

It is now the eleventh month. March 8, 2014. As I am writing this I can hear the sounds of animals coming from the backyard, down by the creek. Spring is almost here. We've almost come full circle to the last day that I saw you. 

I remember this same week last year. On March 4, 2013, you told us at breakfast that you had decided to stop chemo because it wasn't working. I looked at you said said, "how long?" You didn't know but thought probably a year, maybe even just nine months. You thought you would last more than six though. I remember sitting down and then just laying there with my face on the hardwood floor. I didn't want anyone to touch me or come near me. We were at Deb's house and I just wanted to go home, to leave, anything to get away from that news. 

Mom, in about two weeks, this blog with be a year old. This is my 59th post on fearfully brave. There is so much I want to tell you in the next month but for now I will just update you on our eleventh month without you.

Well Dad's birthday was on February 12, but we celebrated it a few days late due to busy schedules. 

We also went to Florida and I completed my first half marathon. 

I have been back to work now for a full month since I was released from light duty after my fall. It has been very hard lately and I am hoping that this is where I am supposed to be right now. I'll just give it to God and trust that He knows what He is doing. 

On March 1, I went shopping with Kristy and her bridesmaids for our dresses for the wedding. We tried on many dresses but will definitely need to keep looking. That night we also went to Hershey Theatre to see Sister Act. I thought it was very good, the best show I've seen in a while there. I am certain that you would have enjoyed it also.

I guess nothing big has really happened in the past month other than Disney, which I've already shared. 

I have to tell you momma, this week was one of the hardest. Maybe I always say that or maybe every week just feels like a hard week all over again. Who knows? I cried my entire way through the Ash Wednesday service. I missed you so much and I was just having a bad day. I also cried multiple other times this week because this pain is just too much for me sometimes. I cannot even wrap my mind around the fact that I have not seen you for 334 days. 

I get so sad when I think of my next monthly letter, which will be titled One Year. Where did 12 months go? Momma, you are supposed to still be here. I know you beat cancer, but you were supposed to do it on Earth, not in Heaven. I guess that wasn't God's plan. I honestly believed that you had the will power to stay here and I missed the early signs that you were ready to be done. You always tried to protect me. At times the same thought continually pops into my head: for how long did you pretend with me that you were going to beat this cancer. I wonder about when you realized that you were going to meet Jesus. I know it was probably before March 4, 2013.

Mommy, you were so brave to keep pretending with me. I know you didn't want to scare me. I'm learning or at least trying to be brave like you. In just one more month, I will have been brave without you for an entire year. The hardest year of my life. 

For now Momma, I miss you as much as always. I love you from Earth to Heaven and back a million more times. I'll just never stop...I can't. 

Love,

Kelsey

P.S. Call, write, or send a telegram. Whenever.