Ten Months

Hi Momma,

Double digits today. Today, February 8, 2014, marks the start of the tenth month since you have been gone. I really can't believe I have done life this long without you. 

January felt like the longest month ever and now we are halfway through February. January felt so long because of my broken sacrum. Momma, I was on light duty at work for a whole month which meant that I could not be in my classroom. I was not allowed to do any running for 2 weeks and so my training came to a halt. Thirteen days after the accident, I went for my first run which was 5 miles. It was probably the hardest run of my life. After that day I jumped back on my training plan and skipped those two weeks that I missed. This meant I went from long run 7 to long run 10. The half marathon is two weeks away. I try not to think about it too much because I don't want to have any anxiety. I have been working very hard for 4 months and it's almost go-time. Mom, I will write you again before the run, so be looking for that. I can't believe we are going to Disney without you. We are actually going to be taking you with us ;)

Momma, I was only able to run outside one time in the last month because it was so cold and icy. We have had one of the worst winters! We've had 7 snow days at school and many delays. I have actually considered moving further south. I really think it would be fun to move to a new place and I hate the cold so why not south?

Here are a few pictures from the snow days that we have had...

Here is dad, enjoying the back porch. He spends a lot of time out there ever since he covered the windows in plastic wrap and got a big heater for Christmas. 

Tonight I went out to dinner with Kristy, Tim, Kate, Bryanna and Kevin. We got our fiesta on!

The biddies! I have tired eyes in this picture for sure. Coco, this month has been exhausting though. 

I have wanted to write you a lot this past month but I never can seem to sit down and actually do it. I sure hope that you don't really notice. I know you are having the best time in Heaven so you probably don't even have time for any of these silly earthly things. I will still write to you. Even if you never get my letters momma, I just can't stop writing. I read two weeks ago that, "it takes your heart 6-9 months to accept what your mind already knows". This really hit home for me because my mind knows that I will never ever see you again in this house or on this planet. Momma, my heart, it ACHES for you. My heart hurts in new ways all the time. This past month, I cried a lot of tears. I cried myself to sleep once or twice. I hate when that happens because I feel so alone. I feel like I can never tell any of my friends if I am feeling sad because they just don't know what to do. It's not their fault though. I try to talk to God but I just cannot figure out how to do it right now. He has been so faithful to me over the past month and for every month since I've been born, and yet I don't know how to talk to Him.

I admire so much how you talked to God when you were feeling down about your cancer. It feels a bit unfair that I wasn't able to learn more about your faith before you left. Mommy this pain is still overwhelming and if I had to be more honest about how I'm doing... I would say that I feel like my life is falling apart. On the outside, I look fine...probably even good. But inside, there is pain and confusion that I don't know how to fix. I have prayed over and over for almost two months now for Gold to help me and yet I feel as though I am falling deeper into this hole. 

Mommy, I know that this life will be hard and certainly won't be fair. But I want what you had...a faith that couldn't be shaken by cancer or chemo or missed opportunities of a life cut short. Mommy, I'm sorry that this letter was filled with so much pain but it was also full of honesty. I promise that I will try to remember how faithful our God is even when I can't feel Him here. Please do not worry about me...life is short, so I'll see you soon. 

Love you forever and always,

Kelsey