1000 Days

Momma,

Today marks 1000 days since I've been with you. How can it be? One Thousand seems like such a BIG number! Yet somehow, 1000 days have actually passed. It's now the year 2016. I haven't seen you since Spring of 2013. Almost 3 years. Don't get me started on that though, I'll be a wreck when April 8th comes around. 

I feel like I had bigger plans for this post but right now I'm not really sure what to write. Maybe if I just keep typing, something will happen.

Mama, I have literally thought about you everyday for 1000 days. To be honest, I probably think about you every hour. I think about everything from 'what are you doing up in Heaven', to 'I wonder what you'd be doing if you were still here', to 'I really freakin' wish you were here to help me with my quarter life crisis'. 

I've had a really hard time putting my life back together over the last 1000 days. Cue the tears, because this is the part that always makes me cry. The part where I tell you that I'm broken but there's no way you'll find out because Heaven doesn't have any brokenness or hurt. Mama, my heart is still broken over losing you. Seriously, so selfish of me because you belong to the King! I want that for everyone I know! But really, it's hard to be here while you get to be there.
Momma, I have gotten out of bed every morning since you left for 1000 days in a row. Are you proud of me? I hope so. It's crazy for me to think back to our final heart-to-heart on March 22, 2013, when you told me to be brave and I tearfully said "okay, I'll try my best". Getting out of bed for 1000 days without you is brave, I think. I know that I will have to keep being brave for thousands of more days until I can see you again. 

I wish I had more access to your voice. I haven't really heard it for 1000 days. I have 4 videos on my phone but you were really sick in them. I wish I had a saved voicemail from you but you and I never really left voicemails. We always just hung up and tried again later. Or, if it was me calling, I'd call your personal cell, your work cell, your work desk phone, and the home phone to try to get ahold of you and then I'd repeat the process without ever leaving a voicemail. Well, that was a tangent. 

I feel so different than I was 1000 days ago. I feel older. I feel slightly more mature. I'm not really sure if I'm smarter...hopefully. I definitely feel more experienced. I'm more confused though...hence the quarter life crisis. I can't seem to figure out what my next move should be. Honestly, I really need to spend time praying and discerning where I should go or what I should do. I feel stuck. I can just keep going along with what I'm doing now and it will be fine. But I don't want to settle for fine or mediocre. I want excitement and challenges. I'm not really sure what that means but I want it. I want to know and love Jesus more. Not just the idea of Jesus but I want to really be in love with the Jesus who healed people, and ate with sinners, and washed dirty feet. I want to fully love the Jesus who died on the cross for my sins. I want to be in love with the God of the Universe who sent His only son to die for me and you and anyone else who is reading this, so that we may not perish but have eternal life in the kingdom of Heaven. 
Mama, I've experienced a lot of pain over the last 1000 days but it hasn't all been bad. I've visited new places, met new people, and learned new things! I definitely couldn't have made it 1000 days if I didn't have God in whom I can place my trust. Sure, I have no idea why He called you home when He did. I can trust though that His plan is much greater than mine would ever be. Seriously, because of His plan, I get to be reunited with you in Heaven someday! I cannot wait! 

Momma, I've missed you for 1000 days and I'll never, ever stop. I love you now and for always.
Kelsey 


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