Long Run Fail

Hello World,

Today was supposed to be my 8 mile run and up until this point (including my training last winter), I've never had to skip or stop during a long-run-sunday. I felt fine as I drove to my run and the weather was chilly so I had capris and a long sleeve shirt on. I started my run and looped back to my car at about 1 mile. At  this point, I felt okay and I took off my long sleeve shirt and left it in the car and I continued on my way. I made it about another mile before I stopped to use a portable toilet (something I've never done before during a run. I felt as though I drank too much water). And then I set out again, for the third time; this time I didn't quite make it a mile before I stopped to fix my hair (my ponytail was pulling on my hair so I needed to adjust). One thing after another. As I started again for the fourth time, I was suddenly overcome with exhaustion. I tried to push those thoughts out of my head and talk myself into continuing on. And then my stomach started to hurt and I stopped. If I ever stop during a run, I always walk back the way I was just running to cause myself to have a longer run. It's a consequence I put on myself for stopping the clock. At this point I had stopped for the fifth time and felt completely exhausted, dehydrated (all of a sudden I was really thirsty), and my stomach hurt because of the bigger than normal meal I ate earlier in the day. I could feel my mentality begin to weaken as I started on my run for the fifth time. I'm not sure if I even ran for a minute before stopping for the sixth time. 

This was the point that satan crept into my head. The words echoed in my mind, "you aren't even good at running. you can't do this". I pushed them out and tried to run again but after 3 more run then stop episodes, I decided that I needed to call it quits for the day. I didn't call it quits because satan told me to, I ended my run because my heart wasn't in it today and my body was weak. There was a battle in my head over whether to continue on no matter how many hours it took or to just say that I tried my best and head home. I was literally running and stopping which wasn't a productive long run anyway so if the only way to get my 8 miles in, would have been to repeat that pattern for the next 3 hours, would this really be essential to my training? I concluded, no...I was harming myself more than helping. 

As I began the walk back to my car which was now approximately 2 miles away, I reflected on my abilities as a runner. I reminded myself that last winter I didn't even complete the 8 or 9 mile long run because of my broken sacrum. I also reminded myself that if I desire to run a half marathon, I can share it with Jesus. He wants to know the desires of my heart and I can glorify God throughout each of my runs. 

I actually hadn't run since Wednesday because I hurt my ankle. I fought off a lot of anxiety and prayed daily for God to heal it and I didn't feel a single pain in my ankle today! Praise God for that! 

Although I felt very discouraged from my performance during today's long run, I rest assured that each day is new and every mile is different. What a blessing to even be able to run no matter what the distance. 

I titled this post Long Run Fail. After typing out this post, I'm not sure that I feel that title is fitting. Yes, I did not hit my 8 mile goal today but that doesn't mean I'm a failure. A year ago, the discouragement I felt today would have knocked me down for days but I'm a warrior now. I don't run because I love it, I run because it is one of the hardest things I've ever challenged myself to. The journey to my goal, it leads me on. In just two days, I'll put my Nikes back on and continue to move my feet down the road to that half marathon.  So today wasn't good...but maybe my next run will be awesome. Awesome and fierce.