From the Treadmill

This is my very first post from the treadmill. My run isn't going well today. I have taken almost an entire week off because I spent the weekend in upstate New York for Rozzie's wedding. (More on that later)

I ran one mile today and had to stop and sit down on the treadmill in the middle of the gym. So tired and out of breath. That was one of my slowest miles, how can I possibly be out of breath? 

I have been thinking about this for a few weeks now and really trying to change my brain. Running is so mental for me because I have played sports for a long time so I know that I can physically do it but my brain always holds me back. When I think about the half marathon, I start to get anxious inside. I have been fully devoted to training and I planned to take this past week off because I knew it was inevitable. I never let myself skip a run because I plan ahead for my weaknesses. But how can I plan ahead for how I will feel on February 23, 2014?

I really want to challenge myself to be constantly praying for my brain on that day. I don't want to wait until the morning of when my stomach feels weak and my muscles aren't calm and my mind won't stop. My history of those moments, leaves me praying to God just for that one moment and wondering why it seems that nothing is happening. 

I just said my first prayer related to my anxiety for race day. I am not looking for some life altering answers after each time I pray to God about this. I just want Him to know that I don't want to run 13.1 miles for my glory only. Don't get me wrong, that is my goal, but I feel that there is more to it. We are going to Disney to spread my momma's ashes at the "most magical place in the world". It is official that both of my sisters will also be participating in this half marathon. 
I have never been good about setting goals and reaching them but I have planned for so many of my weaknesses that my training seems effortless. (I assure you, it's not) 

It is my hope that God will be working on my brain and my heart so that when race day comes and I attempt to reach a goal, I will have gained so much more than just a medal. 

I will start by praying for a few minutes on each of my runs and then set aside time to pray outside of running. I will be praying for February 23. It might seems selfish to pray for only myself and running but when one isn't spending more than a few seconds with God a day, I don't think God will be too picky. Sure, I know he wants all of me but I am not there right now. Was I ever really there? I don't know. 

Losing my mom was by far the hardest thing that has ever happened to me. And it has forever changed my life. I feel so different than I used to. My friends have told me that I am different now. They said in college I used to be so silly and carefree. I ran around Europe for 3 months with a freedom that I cannot even imagine right now. I get worked up over little things and I cry more days than I don't. Lots of days, I don't even know who I am. 

I don't know if running will change my life, I really don't even love it. But if running brings me to back to God then every mile will have been worth it. Even the ones where I walked and sat on the treadmill in the middle of the gym. When I look back, maybe those will be the times that I felt closest to God. Who knows? I guess only God actually knows.

In the lonliest places, when I can't remember what grace is
Tell me, once again, who I am to You.

When my heart is like a stone
And I'm running far from home
Remind me who I am
When I can't receive Your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough
Remind me who I am
If I'm Your beloved,
Can you help me believe it? 

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