Our Final Heart to Heart

Oh Mommy, 

My heart is so broken for you right now. This season of the year is so hard for me. As I type this, tears are pouring out of my eyes. And just a little bit ago I had the silent sobs...the kind of crying where no one would know that you are crying. I held in the sound as my breath became shallow and my eyes drained the tears. At one point I did make a sound and I knew that was the kind of crying where it would have been loud and uncontrollable. So I held the sound back inside. I've learned a lot about crying over the past two years. I've cried so many different ways. 

Tonight, I think back to our final heart to heart. We tucked you into your own bed (your final sleep there before we would keep you in the Hospice bed) and the rest of the family went for a bite to eat. My sweet best friends were downstairs making pancakes at 10:00 at night. I was laying on your bed with you. 

We probably only chatted for 20 minutes but I'll never forget those precious moments. Oh, how I wish we could have just stayed there forever. My heart ached in the deepest places and I wanted you to stay. 

You said that you wanted to stay. You wished that you could go to Heaven and rest for a while and then come back to us. Both of us knew that's not how this thing called life works. You told me that I would need to be brave for you. You called me your "brave girl". I teared up as I said, "I don't know if I can do it". You assured me that I could and that I would always be able to be brave. You told me that you were not scared because you were certain that soon you would be resting in God's arms. 

It was hard for me to keep from sobbing in front of you but I cried anyway. I told you how I didn't want you to go. And then you teared up. You said you were so so sorry for being sick and you were sorry because you knew that you would miss out on so much of our lives. You also told me that you felt like you needed to go because you were tired and in too much pain. I told you that it was okay and that it wasn't your fault. And somewhere deep inside I told you that we would be okay. I knew that we would miss you in ways that we may never get over but I also felt that somehow we would be okay.

I asked you to take me with you. And you simply replied, "my baby, you have to stay here because you have so much life left to live". You told me that you couldn't wait until the day that you would get to see me again to hear about my life. You said you wanted to know everything! Mommy, when I get there, we will have so much to catch up on! 

After what seemed like not nearly enough time, you told me that you wanted to get some rest. I wanted to ask you to let me stay but I felt that my tears would have caused you too much pain. I obliged and I hugged you and kissed you and told you more than once that I loved you. 

I walked quietly out of your room, closing the door behind me and as I walked downstairs for some pancakes, I felt this sense of peace that could only have been planted by God. 

That was our final heart to heart but it was probably the most meaningful conversation that I had ever had with you in my 23 years of life! Tonight, I hold it close to my heart. 

Miss you.

Love you,
Kelsey 

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