Nineteen Months

Momma,

Hi. I know right now that this is going to be a hard letter to write. I continue to feel so conflicted with sharing my breaking heart with you and understanding that if you knew about it, Heaven wouldn't make sense. Heaven is filled with only good and no heartbreak so how could you even begin to know about my aching heart and be in Heaven at the same time? Maybe I'll just stop over thinking that for now and just let it be. 

Today is November 8, 2014, the nineteenth month without you. Time never ever stops and now we are at the bottom half of the second year. Momma, here is a recap of the past month.

On October 11, I ran in a 5k at my church to support our Imago Dei disabilities ministry. 

The next weekend was super fun because I went to Philadelphia to participate in The Color Run Night! Mom, it was my favorite TCR event for sure! The course was in Camden and it provided spectacular views of Philly! I always forget that I lived there for a semester in college but every time I go back, I remember how much I love it! Deb, Lindsay, and I all participated. Bryanna was there too and so were some of Lindsay's friends. There were a ton of black lights, neon powder, and fireworks! It was awesome! 

I spent Halloween weekend in New Jersey/NYC. I went to The Gederberg's Halloween Dinner which was so cool! And on Saturday, it was rainy and cold but B and I took the bus into NYC to meet up with others for a surprise 25th birthday party for Nicole! She was so surprised and we had a blast! 

I had to get 5 cavities filled this month. I had appointments two weeks in a row. The first week, they filled 3. As they were giving me the shots, I tried so hard to be brave but tears literally built up in my eyes and silently glided down my cheeks. The next week, I had 2 more cavities filled. That shot was even worse because it was my bottom jaw that needed to be numbed. I barely flinched for the first shot but the second shot caused my body to start to shake and tears to fall from my eyes. I made it through both appointments and now I am back to flossing every single day. 

I have been running consistently throughout the Fall and in October I hit approximately 108 miles! I have never reached 100 miles in a month before. I have to tell you that October is my favorite running month! The weather was beautiful and the scenery was stunning! 

We are leaving for California on Thursday and the Avengers Half Marathon is on Sunday, November 16! I so hope you will be able to watch or just know or something! I haven't started packing yet, I need to. I always wait until the last minute and then I'm stressed. 

I don't even know how to begin this next part of the letter. On October 26th, I lost every single picture and video that I've ever had of you on my phone. I was having some trouble getting service so I took my phone to AT&T. The lady who helped me began to mess with it and then took it to the back and brought it out with a picture of a cable that said "connect to iTunes". At that moment, I had no idea of the magnitude of what that screen meant. She told me that I should probably just go to the Apple Store and they could help me. As I drove home from the mall, wearing my running clothes, I began to sob because I was starting to realize that I might have lost everything. When I reached home, I quickly made an appointment at the Apple Store for later that evening and set off on my 11 mile run which I had no way of tracking since my phone didn't work. So I only ran approximately 10. Dad drove me to the Apple Store and he dropped me off at the door of The Park City Mall and I navigated my way to the store for my appointment. I waited on an assigned stool, feeling sick to my stomach. The Apple Store was packed and all I could hear was white noise until I finally heard "Kelsey, Kelsey". I realized that I was being called, so I went up to the counter and explained my situation. Dad met up with me after he parked the car. The guy started typing in all of this stuff on a big iPhone and an iPad and then I typed in my username and password on his iPad and it was then that we discovered that I had never even turned on the iCloud. His words were, "I'm sorry but there is nothing on this phone." I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I could barely breathe, my lungs couldn't seem to take in enough oxygen and the tears began to pour out of my eyes. For the next few minutes I didn't hear a word of what he said. As he began to set-up my phone (as if I had just purchased it that day), I racked my brain to think of all of the places that I may have stored any of those precious pictures and videos of you. Finally, I remembered that I had emailed some. I logged onto my email and found that my 23 year-old-self emailed 3 videos to my future self. The guy saved the videos to my phone and set up my iCloud for future protection and we were on our way back home. 

I tried to hold in my tears during the drive home because I knew dad thought it would be silly that I was crying over this. Heck, the whole world would think it's ridiculous to cry over a cell phone. What a first world problem. It was on the way home that I was able to identify the feelings inside of me...the feelings I have known all too well over the past year and a half...grief. 

Not only have I been grieving the loss of you but now I have to grieve the loss of my very last pictures and videos of you. Pictures so precious that I had never even posted them on Facebook. I couldn't help but think over the next few hours about what I could have done differently. I could have set up iCloud, but I didn't even know that it wasn't set up. I also could have been more respectful to you, mom, instead of being a bratty teen. But I didn't know then that the time would be so short. I didn't know you would get cancer and I didn't know my iPhone would freak. You can't help what you don't know but you can always learn from it.

It was two days after this loss, on a Tuesday (during a run), that I remembered something that I had prayed on Saturday. You see, Momma, Saturday was my first day with my new running shoes so I decided to pray over them (for a few different reasons). As I was praying I realized that everything I own is just stuff and so I told God that if He ever needed to take anyone or anything away from me, I would seek Him so that I could say "it is well with my soul". The following day I lost all of my pictures and videos of you. I have absolutely no idea if that was Him answering to my prayer or if this was crucial in my journey on this Earth. At first I would have given anything to have those pictures back but that is crazy mom. I would give anything to have you back!

Mommy, the pain is still raw. During the past few weeks I became aware that I am still grieving so very deeply for you. At times I feel all alone here on this Earth. Sometimes I want to scream out, "does anybody hear me? I am sad!" But they won't hear me, they can't hear me. Sympathy is fleeting when you aren't the one with the broken heart. And that has to be okay. 

Will the 8th of the month ever get better? The four walls, 3 blue and 1 turquoise, that surround me when I write these posts have seen more tears in a year and a half than ever before. I cry a lot in the car too. I always seem to cry when I am by myself. I guess my heart aches the most when all is silent. 

As I conclude this nineteenth month letter, I remind myself that our love knows no bounds. It can never be lost...regardless of the distance in time and space. And while I come full circle to say that I don't understand how you could know the pain in my heart while in Heaven, I am certain that your love for me will never disappear. You said you would love me from Heaven and forevermore. 

I love you too. I just can't ever stop. My tears give a testimony to a love and a heartache that I sometimes can't describe. Although my photographs are gone, my memories of you are still so vivid. And I hope that they will never fade away because I will miss you until the very moment that I get to see you again!

Love you to infinity and beyond,

Kelsey