When More is Never Enough

October 12, 2012. 

I was home, sick from work, with an ear infection. It was my third day off in a row. And it was a Friday. My mom and dad went down to Johns Hopkins for the final vaccine in her trial. I slept in bed all day and sometime around late afternoon, H called me to talk and see how I was doing. While we were on the phone, I told her I heard my parents come home and I mentioned how I thought it was strange that they didn't come check on me since I was sick. H said that she had to go because she had just arrived at her destination so I said to have a good weekend and we hung up. 

I got out of bed and walked downstairs. I looked around and found my parents sitting on the back porch. As I opened the door and walked out, I could feel my muscles tighten and my heart start to beat faster. I looked at them but their eyes told me something wasn't right. I asked how the appointment went and neither of them said anything. I stood frozen. My mom finally said, "we got some unexpected news". I couldn't feel anything. She continued, "the cancer has come back in my pancreas....(there was a pause)....and also in my lungs." I looked at my dad for any sign that this was some kind of sick joke. He just nodded. I snapped back into reality but just for a minute and the only word that came out of my mouth was "NO". I followed that with, "I can't be here, I have to go". I turned and walked inside, collapsed halfway up the stairs and just screamed. I didn't scream any words, I just screamed to hear my voice. My mom followed me and hugged me but then I asked to be alone for a few minutes.

After I got upstairs, I called H because I needed to tell somebody. It went to voicemail. I called again but still no answer. I waited a few minutes and texted, "it's an emergency". I texted a second message, "it's about cancer". Within a minute she called me back and I don't know if she understood a word I was saying through my sobbing cries. I told her that the cancer came back and it spread. I said I'm sorry but I didn't know what to do or who to call. And she replied with, "L and I will be there in 20 minutes". I was confused because L was hours away at a rotation and H lives in Virginia. She said that they were in Harrisburh but that they were in the car and on their way. They stayed with me for hours.

As I am typing this post, I can feel the emotions that I felt on that day, one year ago. Momma called them my angels on that day. 

I had no idea, on that day, that in 6 months time she would no longer be here on Earth. Momma met Jesus on April 8, 2013. It was less than 6 months. Last October 12, she had been battling cancer for 14 months.

So I can't help but think, if I had known on October 12, 2013, that I had less than 6 months with her, would I have been a better daughter? I know should have loved her harder than I did. I should have been more respectful and kind and so many other things. But, I didn't know. I just didn't know that in 6 months all of those opportunities would come to an end. We can't help what we don't know. We just don't know how much time is left. It is so important to be the very best we can be right now. Go out of your way to make a this moment be important. When the time is gone, it's gone. It doesn't come back. Don't waste it.

Love. Serve. Listen. Sacrifice. Respect. Forgive. Do it all, right now. Try harder because no matter how many days are left, it NEVER feels like enough. Trust me, you always want more. That feeling will probably never go away.

"I love you". Those were the very last words that my momma said to me. And although I am forever grateful for that moment, I still want more.