Six Months

Mommy,

Hi! It's a milestone month...month 6. Where has the time gone? Some days I feel as though the time passes like a flash of lightning and other times I feel like the days drag on and I become frustrated about how far away seeing you again, really is. Here come the tears. They always come. This time, they are just freely flowing out of my eyes. I can't keep up with wiping them away right now, so I am letting them slide down my cheeks, over my lips. The tears that miss my lips fall onto my shirt, but I don't mind, because this day is almost over.

It is October now. October 8, 2013. Fall is here and it has now been two seasons since you passed. September was hard because you had hoped that you could stay on Earth until that month. And I feel the same way, I wanted more time with you. Momma, those extra months would have never been enough. A few days ago I read through some of the cards you sent me while at college. Here are a couple that I love...

This was a postcard that you sent me 3 months before my college graduation. I cut off the first part of the letter but it talks about how stunned I must be to have received mail from you!

This was a graduation card from you. I wish that you could have shared in so much more of my life with me. Momma, don't feel bad about leaving early because we know that the pain was too much and you needed to go home.

Momma, here is a little peek into some things that have happened over the past month. We had the Colleen Marie Schwartz Memorial Golf Outing on September 14, 2013. Interestingly enough, you had your Whipple procedure at Johns Hopkins on that very same day, two years earlier (September 14, 2011). I hope you received the pictures I sent you from the golf outing. 

I started my new job at A school for Autism in Hershey. I went to Kristy's on my way home after my first day and cried for an hour. I guess I was just sad because I wasn't able to share my new job with you. It has been crazy since day one! I got punched in the eye on the second day. Today, I got my first bite. It was on my upper arm and I'm so thankful I was wearing a fleece so it wasn't my bare skin. I still have so much to learn and most days I feel overwhelmed, but not discouraged.  

I was able to go and visit Heather in New Jersey during the last weekend of September! We went into New York City for the day on Saturday (September 28). Momma, we went to the top of The Empire State Building! I loved that experience! The view was amazing and the weather was beautiful! 

  

Heather and I on the observation deck

                                           

I got to walk through Central Park! I wanted to run there but we didn't get a chance...there's always next time! We also went to Brooklyn and we walked across the Brooklyn Bridge. I had so much fun in New York City! I am so thankful for the opportunity to go there that weekend!

 Central Park in September!

 View of Manhattan from Brooklyn!

Brooklyn Bridge!

At one point, Heather stopped to wait for me (I was taking pictures) and when I caught up to her and looked down she was standing next to this! I don't know if she even noticed that at first! 

The Brooklyn Bridge was so cool!

This past weekend, I went to Allentown, PA for The Color Run! It was my third time! Heather and Liz invited me to run it with them! I always have the very best time at The Color Run! I would like to write that I love it but the sermon at church this past week was about love and now I realize that it wouldn't make much sense to say that I love The Color Run. I don't need to get into all of that right now. 

Pre-run with TCR Unicorn

 Post TCR

Liz and I on stage at TCR

Just for fun, (if this works) here is a little video of a color throw from the stage at TCR! 

Dad is joining Choir at church! He went to his first practice last night! I think it will be good for him.
Tonight I went to the dentist and I had to get two shots! The left side of my face is still numb. I had two cavities that I needed to get filled. It was my first time getting shots in my mouth. I think that you would have been so proud of me. I cried, but only a little. The tears fell into my ears because my seat was already tilted back. I listened to Pandora on my phone the whole time through my headphones. While I was waiting for the Novocaine to kick in, the song "Safe" by Phil Wickham came on. It was the perfect timing because the lyrics go like this:

"You will be safe in His arms. 

The hands that hold the world are holding your heart. 

This is the promise He made, He will be with you always" 

I could feel God in that moment. And it was good. Momma, I believe that you would have been so proud of me tonight! You, of all people, know how much I hate the dentist/orthodontist. When I came out of the dentist's office, the sky looked like this:

This is how I know that you are proud of me. Maybe, just maybe, God let you help paint the sunset tonight. I could feel you here with me. 

Oh mommy, that about wraps up month 6. I still miss you every single day. I was reading through some of the very first posts that I wrote on this blog. Even in the midst of all that pain, I was trying to remind myself that God is always Good. And at the end of the day, when I struggle to understand it all, I cling to that constant truth. It is highly likely that I may not comprehend any of this during my time on Earth. Until then (Eternity), my love for my God will not be compromised by the brokenness of this world. For He blessed me with you; the mommy who loved me, with all her heart, for 23 years on this Earth. The pain is still very real. Some days, I am a lost girl, sitting in a tiny yellow raft, in the very middle of the ocean of pain. I press on though, knowing that the story has a good ending, because the Author is Always Good. And on a day, of which only God knows the exact date, I will get to see you again. I have dreams of you waiting for me, to hug me and hold me, and to remind me that you never (not once) stopped loving me. I will never stop loving you either. Mommy, I haven't seen your face in over 182 days, but I have loved you for every single one of them. I guess it would be redundant to say that I still cannot believe that you aren't here anymore. They say that one day, it will be harder to feel you. I hope that never happens to me. Right now, at month 6, I can still feel you here, like it was just yesterday. I pray tomorrow is the same. I love you to infinity and beyond! 

Love forever and always,

Kelsey

P.S. we still live at the same address so if you wanted to write or visit, we wouldn't mind at all.