trying to be brave and stuff

This is my very first post from the treadmill. My run isn't going well today. I have taken almost an entire week off because I spent the weekend in upstate New York for Rozzie's wedding. (More on that later) I ran one mile today and had to stop and sit down on the treadmill in the middle of the gym. So tired and out of breath. That was one of my slowest miles, how can I possibly be out of breath?  I have been thinking about this for a few weeks now and really trying to change my brain. Running is so mental for me because I have played sports for a long time so I know that I can physically do it but my brain always holds me back. When I think about the half marathon, I start to get anxious inside. I have been fully devoted to training and I planned to take this past week off because I knew it was inevitable. I never let myself skip a run because I plan ahead for my weaknesses. But how can I plan ahead for how I will feel on February 23, 2014? I really want to challenge myself to...

Momma, Merry Christmas! Today is December 25, 2013. This is the very first Christmas that I have spent away from you in 24 years. I only cried a few times today. I am taking a break from packing to write you this Christmas letter. Tomorrow I am leaving with 2 of the biddies to head up to Plattsburgh, NY for Rozzie's wedding weekend! The rest of the biddies are going to get there on Friday.  This morning when I woke up I did some things to get ready for that. Dad decided that he didn't want to open presents at our house this year because he wanted it to be different.  I remember last Christmas you had cried for most of the day. I didn't understand it then but now I see why. You had known all along...that was your last Christmas with us. You hadn't yet told us that the chemo wasn't working so I never would have thought that it was our last Christmas. I love you for being so brave like that for us. We hauled all of the wrapped gifts over to Deb and John's. We went ...

Momma, It is Christmastime and also it is my last monthly letter for the year of 2013. Today is December 8, 2013. Eight months since you left us. It is the 8th day of the 8th month.  On November 9th, the family went to Philadelphia for the Purple Stride 5k for Pancreatic Cancer Awareness. It was a chilly but beautiful morning. Three of my friends from Messiah also came for the walk...Kristy, Heather K, and Katie B. Even Dad participated in the 5k which was really neat.  November 24th was Lindsay's 23rd Birthday! It was on a Sunday and she had to work so we did a few different things during the weekend to celebrate. On Saturday, the day before her birthday, we went to the Harrisburg Heat game. They lost but it was still fun! We also went out to dinner on her actual birthday after she got done with work. We got her two cakes because no one communicated who was getting a cake. I think she had a good birthday but it was her first birthday without you so I'm sure that it was hard f...

Momma, Today is Thanksgiving. It's our first big holiday without you. I watched the parade on TV this morning. I couldn't help but think that you probably had a great view from where you are!  We went over to Deb's house around noon and ate all day. I feel like we sort of pretended that it was just like any other day. Last Thanksgiving, you only stayed for the meal and then went home to rest. It sort of felt like you were just resting today and didn't want to be around too many people.  I think Christmas will be really hard though.  Momma, since you can't be here, I am thankful that you are in Heaven and free of cancer. We miss you soooo much.  The days are still so hard without you. I know you are waiting for us and I wish I could come to Heaven right now but I know God is going to say, "not today Kelsey".  Mommy, I love you forever and ever. Kelsey

Momma,  Today is Lindsay's 23rd birthday! She had to work today so we didn't do much except for church and dinner. We went to this new restaurant on Carlisle Pike. Last night we went to see the Harrisburg Heat game. We also did that last year for her birthday but you weren't feeling too well so you stayed home. We got her two birthday cakes this year! I hope that she knows that you love her today and every day. We loved you so much and miss you all the time!  Love,  Kelsey P.S. Ask God to turn the temperature up outside! Please!

Me: I traveled far along with you Mommy:  We walked the world and together grew Me: It will be strange being without you Me: You gave me strength and helped me grow. But now it's time to be on my own Mommy: I hope you know this was difficult Mommy:   A part of you is a part of me and will always be Mommy: So hold your head high                It's so hard to say, "Goodbye"                I just have to take this chance                I hope you understand Mommy: We'll go on our separate ways                 It may be hard                but I'm not  afraid                I think it's good                life  makes us  change Mommy: So don't be sad         ...

Hi Mommy, How are you? How's Eternal life? I'm confident in knowing that your response to this question would have to be positive. It goes without saying that we miss you like crazy. I have no idea where time is going. Today, November 8, 2013, marks seven months since I've seen you.  This past month brought about lots of tears. I'm not actually sure why, but I felt as though I was crying all the time...in the car, on my runs, before I fell asleep, etc. There aren't too many pictures to show you this month. I'm like practically a runner now. Only because I make myself, not because I am what some might call "addicted". I am no where near addicted. I would choose to take a nap everyday after work, if I could. Kate, Kristy, and I took a trip to Delaware during the weekend of October 11-13. We had a great time visiting Bryanna's new home. We played games, and went to the mall, ate yummy food and danced at a sketchy bar. We did drive through a monsoon to...

Today is All Saints Day. Protestants observe this as a day to remember the saints, "saints" by the New Testament meaning of "all Christian people of every time and place". Growing up in a Methodist church, All Saints Day occurs on the first Sunday in November. "It is held to remember all those who have died who were members of the local congregation." As the Pastor reads aloud the names of deceased, one by one, a handbell is rung. The bell is rung one time for each person who has passed away within the last year.  I don't really ever remember attending this service but I'm sure I did at some point in high school. I did not go last year, but my momma was in attendance at that service. I remembered this week that she had written about it in her CaringBridge last year. She said this regarding that Sunday service:  "I remember silently crying and wondering when my name would be called. Would it be next year, the year after that, or was it going to...

I'm not really sure what week I am at for my half marathon training. Since I started on October 1st, I have played around with a few different training plans. I have been running consistently, 3x a week. This new training plan which I am going to adopt this week has me running 5x a week (Monday and Friday are off days). I hope that is not a lofty training goal for me. I am thankful to one of my friends from Messiah (Philly campus semester) for helping me navigate my way through all things training. She had also been such an encouragement to me even from like 4 states away!  For a while my runs were going really well. Last Sunday I ran for 7 miles which is the longest run I have ever completed. This week I had headaches everyday after work and I only ran 2 miles on Tuesday and 2 on Thursday. So today I was going to get up early and run...that didn't happen. Finally started my run around 1:30pm. Started off okay, but I quickly became very exhausted and at the two mile mark I stop...

Hey Coco, I really miss you today so I wanted to write you a letter. Everytime a Monday comes, I know it's been another week since I've seen you. I eventually lost track but today I counted and it has been 29 weeks since I've seen you. 203 days (to be exact). I want to see you again so very badly. That is no secret, I'm sure. I didn't a little math to calculate how many more weeks I would have to wait to see you again if I got to meet Jesus at the exact age (in weeks) that you did, 57yrs+40wks.  When you left us on April 8, you had spent 3,004 weeks on this Earth. I was at 23yrs+46wks. My total number of weeks was 1,242. 3,004-1,242=1,762 weeks.  I have checked off 29 of those weeks.  1,762-29=1,733 weeks. 1,733. That is how many weeks I would have to wait (from today) to see you again IF I left this Earth at 57yrs and 40wks, just like you did. That feels like forever.  Someone might read this and say that it probably wasn't emotionally healthy to do all of tho...

October 12, 2012.  I was home, sick from work, with an ear infection. It was my third day off in a row. And it was a Friday. My mom and dad went down to Johns Hopkins for the final vaccine in her trial. I slept in bed all day and sometime around late afternoon, H called me to talk and see how I was doing. While we were on the phone, I told her I heard my parents come home and I mentioned how I thought it was strange that they didn't come check on me since I was sick. H said that she had to go because she had just arrived at her destination so I said to have a good weekend and we hung up.  I got out of bed and walked downstairs. I looked around and found my parents sitting on the back porch. As I opened the door and walked out, I could feel my muscles tighten and my heart start to beat faster. I looked at them but their eyes told me something wasn't right. I asked how the appointment went and neither of them said anything. I stood frozen. My mom finally said, "we got some u...

Mommy, Hi! It's a milestone month...month 6. Where has the time gone? Some days I feel as though the time passes like a flash of lightning and other times I feel like the days drag on and I become frustrated about how far away seeing you again, really is. Here come the tears. They always come. This time, they are just freely flowing out of my eyes. I can't keep up with wiping them away right now, so I am letting them slide down my cheeks, over my lips. The tears that miss my lips fall onto my shirt, but I don't mind, because this day is almost over. It is October now. October 8, 2013. Fall is here and it has now been two seasons since you passed. September was hard because you had hoped that you could stay on Earth until that month. And I feel the same way, I wanted more time with you. Momma, those extra months would have never been enough. A few days ago I read through some of the cards you sent me while at college. Here are a couple that I love... This was a ...

Sometimes when I post, I hope that no one actually reads it. At the same time, writing on here has been nothing but helpful for me.  I have been struggling a lot lately. I feel so lonely all of the time. At some point during the summer, I wrote a post about how I dreaded the weekends. I almost never have any plans. I spend all weekend by myself and so I got to a point where I wished weekends didn't exist so I could just be at work and be around people.  For the past few weekends, I have had plans. I went to NJ/NYC last weekend, this weekend was The Color Run, and next weekend we are going to Bryanna's. I love doing those things but then when they end I fall right back into my lonely state. I could always be around people. I feel as though my commute to work is enough alone time. When my weekends like that are over, I feel as though I am being let down. A lot of times it is because I have no idea when the next time I will see that person is.  How the heck is everyone else ...

I started training for the Disney Princess Half Marathon today! Most of the time I don't even like running. It is hard for me. That is why I have to do this...it is so like me to just give up when something is hard. When we go to Disney in February, we will be spreading some of Coco's ashes. She wanted them down there because Disney World was our favorite family vacation! I got to go there 5 different times with Coco! On our last trip in 2010, Coco couldn't stay for more than 2 days because she had to leave for a conference in D.C. She had just spent ten days on a cruise with my dad for their 25th wedding anniversary so she had to head back to work. We all met up in the Orlando airport. Coco and Mickey flew from Ft. Lauderdale. Lindsay flew from Nashville. I took a train from Philly to Harrisburg and then Deb and I flew from there. It was so cool! I am hoping that running turns into some positive for me. My left knee hurts almost every time I run. Especially after 3 miles. ...

Mommy, On September 14, 2013, we held the first and only Colleen Marie Schwartz Memorial Golf Outing! It was so much fun! The weather was nice but chilly at times, especially when the clouds covered the sun. About 50 people came out to play golf in memory of you! Everyone who signed up, showed up! Dad was so excited! I was on a team with Dad, Lindsay, and Aunt Joan. We legitimately came in last place but it's okay! Here are some pictures from the day...  Deb was stationed at the registration table  Dad ordered these monogrammed tees! (it was my idea though)  We had a picture of you at the first tee  Before the outing started. It was so early!  Dad and his sister We also had a picture of you at the 18th green    Mom, that's my serious golf face   At one point, Lindsay sunk the longest putt ever! We were all screaming!  We definitely missed you Momma!  After the outin...

Momma,  Today is your wedding anniversary! If you were still here, you and dad would be celebrating 29 years of marriage! That's so incredible!  I think Dad has been feeling pretty sad today. I can just sort of tell. I believe he actually forgot that it was your anniversary until a few days ago. I mentioned it on Friday and he said he didn't even realize. We celebrated you a lot this weekend because we had a golf outing in memory and celebration of you yesterday! I will write about that this week and send some pictures.  Mommy I love you so much and I miss you everyday. I am so glad that you and dad got married so that you could be my mommy.  Be good, Kelsey

Hi Momma, Five months. Wow. It's been two months more than three months (which equals 5. See, that math tutor in high school was worth it) which means that it's already been two months more than the longest we were apart while you were on this Earth. Was that confusing? The longest time we spent apart was three months while I was in Greece and now it has been five. Five is still my favorite number but I'd rather do without this particular number. I was reading through your CaringBridge this month because I really wanted to feel like you were talking to me. It was bittersweet to read through the posts because I miss you so much. I wanted to include this short excerpt from your second to last post on December 31, 2012. It is comforting for me to read this and know that you were not scared at all. Momma, I admire how brave you were. I know that a part of that is also in me, but I haven't completely discovered it yet. Well, we did a total makeover on the family roo...