trying to be brave and stuff

Hey Coco, I really miss you today so I wanted to write you a letter. Everytime a Monday comes, I know it's been another week since I've seen you. I eventually lost track but today I counted and it has been 29 weeks since I've seen you. 203 days (to be exact). I want to see you again so very badly. That is no secret, I'm sure. I didn't a little math to calculate how many more weeks I would have to wait to see you again if I got to meet Jesus at the exact age (in weeks) that you did, 57yrs+40wks.  When you left us on April 8, you had spent 3,004 weeks on this Earth. I was at 23yrs+46wks. My total number of weeks was 1,242. 3,004-1,242=1,762 weeks.  I have checked off 29 of those weeks.  1,762-29=1,733 weeks. 1,733. That is how many weeks I would have to wait (from today) to see you again IF I left this Earth at 57yrs and 40wks, just like you did. That feels like forever.  Someone might read this and say that it probably wasn't emotionally healthy to do all of tho...

October 12, 2012.  I was home, sick from work, with an ear infection. It was my third day off in a row. And it was a Friday. My mom and dad went down to Johns Hopkins for the final vaccine in her trial. I slept in bed all day and sometime around late afternoon, H called me to talk and see how I was doing. While we were on the phone, I told her I heard my parents come home and I mentioned how I thought it was strange that they didn't come check on me since I was sick. H said that she had to go because she had just arrived at her destination so I said to have a good weekend and we hung up.  I got out of bed and walked downstairs. I looked around and found my parents sitting on the back porch. As I opened the door and walked out, I could feel my muscles tighten and my heart start to beat faster. I looked at them but their eyes told me something wasn't right. I asked how the appointment went and neither of them said anything. I stood frozen. My mom finally said, "we got some u...

Mommy, Hi! It's a milestone month...month 6. Where has the time gone? Some days I feel as though the time passes like a flash of lightning and other times I feel like the days drag on and I become frustrated about how far away seeing you again, really is. Here come the tears. They always come. This time, they are just freely flowing out of my eyes. I can't keep up with wiping them away right now, so I am letting them slide down my cheeks, over my lips. The tears that miss my lips fall onto my shirt, but I don't mind, because this day is almost over. It is October now. October 8, 2013. Fall is here and it has now been two seasons since you passed. September was hard because you had hoped that you could stay on Earth until that month. And I feel the same way, I wanted more time with you. Momma, those extra months would have never been enough. A few days ago I read through some of the cards you sent me while at college. Here are a couple that I love... This was a ...

Sometimes when I post, I hope that no one actually reads it. At the same time, writing on here has been nothing but helpful for me.  I have been struggling a lot lately. I feel so lonely all of the time. At some point during the summer, I wrote a post about how I dreaded the weekends. I almost never have any plans. I spend all weekend by myself and so I got to a point where I wished weekends didn't exist so I could just be at work and be around people.  For the past few weekends, I have had plans. I went to NJ/NYC last weekend, this weekend was The Color Run, and next weekend we are going to Bryanna's. I love doing those things but then when they end I fall right back into my lonely state. I could always be around people. I feel as though my commute to work is enough alone time. When my weekends like that are over, I feel as though I am being let down. A lot of times it is because I have no idea when the next time I will see that person is.  How the heck is everyone else ...

I started training for the Disney Princess Half Marathon today! Most of the time I don't even like running. It is hard for me. That is why I have to do this...it is so like me to just give up when something is hard. When we go to Disney in February, we will be spreading some of Coco's ashes. She wanted them down there because Disney World was our favorite family vacation! I got to go there 5 different times with Coco! On our last trip in 2010, Coco couldn't stay for more than 2 days because she had to leave for a conference in D.C. She had just spent ten days on a cruise with my dad for their 25th wedding anniversary so she had to head back to work. We all met up in the Orlando airport. Coco and Mickey flew from Ft. Lauderdale. Lindsay flew from Nashville. I took a train from Philly to Harrisburg and then Deb and I flew from there. It was so cool! I am hoping that running turns into some positive for me. My left knee hurts almost every time I run. Especially after 3 miles. ...