trying to be brave and stuff

Momma, It is now July 8, 2014. This date marks the 15th month without you. Why does the time never stop moving? I'm stuck between wanting to rewind it so that I can be with you and wanting to fast forward so we never have to say goodbye again. I know I should just live right where I am but it's very lonely here. I don't think I would want to rewind because then I would have to say goodbye on April 8th again. I never want to do that again. For now, I'll just wait...and dream about what it will be like to see you and hug you.  I just finished the book, Heaven is for Real. I read it at the beach. In the book, the little boy says that there are no old people in Heaven. I imagine you waiting for me, looking like a younger, unfamiliar (to me), version of yourself. I think since I am your daughter you will recognize me right away when I get to Heaven. I picture myself arriving at Heaven's gates, you approach from afar, so anxious to embrace me. When our eyes meet, I will k...

Mommy, Today is your birthday! Your earthly birthday! You would have turned 59 years young. I thought about you all day! I can't believe I won't ever need to buy you a gift or a card again. I was terrible at it anyway but I would do anything to have you here just so I could agonize over what to get you! I wonder if you can feel our love today? I sure hope so! I had hoped we would go out to dinner but everyone was busy and then I decided that I would go to New Jersey. At first I felt guilty leaving you on your birthday but I tried so hard to remember that you would have told me to go and have fun. I hope you don't mind that I went to see my friends. Mommy, I know that they don't have birthdays in Heaven but we are still celebrating you here! We love you and miss you like you wouldn't believe! One day we will have a party that will get to last for eternity! I'm so excited for that!  Happy Birthday, Momma! Love you to infinity and beyond, Kelsey

Mommy, Sometimes when the 8th rolls around, I can't seem to remember anything that happened for the month. I want to update you everyday but that's impossible now. I miss when it was simple and telling you about my day was routine and always in your physical presence.  The month of May came and went and now it is the beginning of June. I've been doing yard work at times. I have been diligently working to grow grass in certain areas of the yard. Those shady spots are the trickiest.  I feel like not too much happened in the past month. My birthday passed and I wrote to you about that already.  Ashley came to visit one Thursday evening in May! It was great to see her!  Heidi also came to visit and she stayed over night! We stayed up very late, talking about everything!  Today, Kristy and I went to Shalisa's Bridal Shower! It was very cute and we had a fun time! I haven't uploaded any of my pictures from the shower to my computer yet but here is one of Kristy and I ...

Momma, Today was my 25th birthday. To be oh so honest, it was so rough. The morning was great, Momma! I ran The Color Run in Hershey! Our whole family participated and a few of my friends came too! I just love the color so that was fun. My friends put me on stage and I had no idea what was going to happen but the DJ had 10,000 people sing happy birthday to me. It was crazy but it was a blur because it happened so fast. I told Dad that I think you would have enjoyed The Color Run also but you definitely would have thought the music was too loud.  The rest of the day was really awful. I say that from a first world perspective. The worst feeling for me is to be lonely and that is exactly what I felt. I spend most weekends by myself with no plans and on the week nights, I rarely seen anyone. So for me to spend the entire afternoon and evening by myself was so hard for me. I wished you were there because you would have come up with something fun for us to do. I guess the family thought ...

Mommy, Today is our second Mother's Day without you. Last year, I did not go to church because that is a popular subject in sanctuaries everywhere. This year, I did go to to church. I miss you so much. I kept thinking the week leading up to Mother's Day that I needed to get you a gift. I'm not sure why I kept thinking that but it probably has something to do with the fact that I was a terrible gift-giver for the years that you were here! Oh well, you loved me anyway! If I could give a message to all of my friends on this day it would be to show your Momma that you love her, not just today, but every single day! One day, you won't get to hear her voice anymore or call her. You can dial her phone number but she will never ever answer. I haven't called your phone once since you died. Dad disconnected your number on our family plan so some random person would probably answer if I called. I'm sure your voicemail message at work was deleted, but I never called to ...

Momma, The thirteenth month feels almost weird. After I wrote to you at one year, it felt like that was the end and now my journey of letters is done. I know it's just because it's the first month after one year. I think it's okay if I don't have a lot to say this month. These letters are real and so it is what it is. I feel like not much happened in the thirteenth month. We didn't go anywhere or have any big events. I spent my days going to work, hanging out with friends, and babysitting. The Friday before Easter, I had off work so Dad and I went and played golf. I did terrible, but it was fun. The weather is finally starting to get nice around here, and I love having a job where I get to walk outside multiple times a day. I also ordered my  bridesmaid dress for Kristy's wedding but it doesn't come in until July. I haven't seen some of my friends in a while and so I am hoping that with summer coming up that I will get to be reunited with them! I a...

Momma, This is the last holiday of the first year that you will miss with us. Since Easter changes each year, last year it was a week before you passed away. This year it was two weeks after your passing anniversary.  I went to church with Dad and he sang in the choir during the 9:30 service. I went home and watched Scandal, my new favorite show. We had dinner that evening at Deb's house. The pretty much sums up our Easter. Easter is important to me for many reasons but if I am being completely honest, I take for granted what Christ actually did for me on the cross that day. This year it hit home that His death means that I will get to see you again in Heaven. I know that it means so much more than that but right now, at this point in my life, I am so so thankful for Christ sacrificing His life so that we can see our loved ones in Heaven.  I love you so much Momma and I can't wait to see you again because of what Christ did for us.  Miss you always. K...