trying to be brave and stuff

Mommy, On September 14, 2013, we held the first and only Colleen Marie Schwartz Memorial Golf Outing! It was so much fun! The weather was nice but chilly at times, especially when the clouds covered the sun. About 50 people came out to play golf in memory of you! Everyone who signed up, showed up! Dad was so excited! I was on a team with Dad, Lindsay, and Aunt Joan. We legitimately came in last place but it's okay! Here are some pictures from the day...  Deb was stationed at the registration table  Dad ordered these monogrammed tees! (it was my idea though)  We had a picture of you at the first tee  Before the outing started. It was so early!  Dad and his sister We also had a picture of you at the 18th green    Mom, that's my serious golf face   At one point, Lindsay sunk the longest putt ever! We were all screaming!  We definitely missed you Momma!  After the outin...

Momma,  Today is your wedding anniversary! If you were still here, you and dad would be celebrating 29 years of marriage! That's so incredible!  I think Dad has been feeling pretty sad today. I can just sort of tell. I believe he actually forgot that it was your anniversary until a few days ago. I mentioned it on Friday and he said he didn't even realize. We celebrated you a lot this weekend because we had a golf outing in memory and celebration of you yesterday! I will write about that this week and send some pictures.  Mommy I love you so much and I miss you everyday. I am so glad that you and dad got married so that you could be my mommy.  Be good, Kelsey

Hi Momma, Five months. Wow. It's been two months more than three months (which equals 5. See, that math tutor in high school was worth it) which means that it's already been two months more than the longest we were apart while you were on this Earth. Was that confusing? The longest time we spent apart was three months while I was in Greece and now it has been five. Five is still my favorite number but I'd rather do without this particular number. I was reading through your CaringBridge this month because I really wanted to feel like you were talking to me. It was bittersweet to read through the posts because I miss you so much. I wanted to include this short excerpt from your second to last post on December 31, 2012. It is comforting for me to read this and know that you were not scared at all. Momma, I admire how brave you were. I know that a part of that is also in me, but I haven't completely discovered it yet. Well, we did a total makeover on the family roo...

I think I cried almost every day this week. It just happens. I don't think this is something that will ever go away. I looked up Coco's CaringBridge site this week and began to read the posts that she had written. I wanted to feel like she was talking to me, like she was writing just for me. I could picture her saying every word she had typed. And then I decided to search through all of my emails to see if I could find anything special from her. Most of the ones in my Messiah email were just random things. I guess we never really emailed that much because I was able to see her so much during college. Then when I moved home we really didn't email because I was able to see her everyday. Someday soon I am going to look through all of the cards she sent me in college or gave me for my birthdays. I miss her handwriting. This is so silly but I always wanted to have her handwriting. It was so pretty and mom-like and I just really loved it. Most days my handwriting is chicken-scrat...