trying to be brave and stuff

I think I cried almost every day this week. It just happens. I don't think this is something that will ever go away. I looked up Coco's CaringBridge site this week and began to read the posts that she had written. I wanted to feel like she was talking to me, like she was writing just for me. I could picture her saying every word she had typed. And then I decided to search through all of my emails to see if I could find anything special from her. Most of the ones in my Messiah email were just random things. I guess we never really emailed that much because I was able to see her so much during college. Then when I moved home we really didn't email because I was able to see her everyday. Someday soon I am going to look through all of the cards she sent me in college or gave me for my birthdays. I miss her handwriting. This is so silly but I always wanted to have her handwriting. It was so pretty and mom-like and I just really loved it. Most days my handwriting is chicken-scrat...

Tonight I got home to find that no one was home. As I walked into the empty home, I was struck with a flashback.  March 22, 2013. Mom, tonight you came home from the hospital after your 3 day stay there. We brought you home with the help of hospice. We got you all settled for the night and you slept upstairs. Dad carried you up there. It was the last time you ever slept in your own bed. It was just easier for you to sleep downstairs in the bed that hospice provided. Dad slept down there with you every single night. Anyway, dad, deb, JP, and Linds went out to get something to eat. Kristy, Ash, and Kate came over and they hung out downstairs and made me chocolate chip pancakes. I was upstairs with you, laying on your bed...talking about life. We talked about so much but at the same time it wasn't enough. I cried so much and you stayed so brave. We both knew you were going to Heaven soon. After a while, you told me you were ready to get some rest. Oh, how I didn't want to say okay...

Today I went to a baby shower for someone I have known for a long time! Her mom was an aide in my kindergarten classroom. She told me this story today that I don't remember hearing before. I want to write about it so I don't forget. I remember that Mrs. H worked in my kindergarten classroom but I don't remember any specific stories. Mrs. H told me today that my mom used to come in and help out once a week in the classroom. Each time she did so, I hated when she had to leave and would cry. I always asked my mom to take me with her. I was also told that I would try to sneak out of the classroom and follow my mom. Mrs. H always got me before I left the room. Well one day, I succeeded in sneaking out of the room and I began to follow my mom down the hallway. My mom pretended like she didn't know I was following her. Mrs. H ran out into the hall and called my name so I ran back to her. And my mom, without having ever turned around, just held up her hand and waved goodbye. I ...

Dear Momma, Today marks the fourth month since you've left Earth for Heaven. What's it like? Are there seasons? We had one hot week of summer. Which just so happened to be the week I helped out with VBS at my church. The weather for the past 2 weeks has been cooler. I hate it. I want hot weather. When I write these I pretend that God prints them out and gives them to you. How sweet would that be? Maybe He does. I feel like so much has happened in the past month. It's hard to remember everything. The last day of STAP camp was July 26. STAP flew by, although, it was crazy at times and quite difficult. We also started to re-do the family room. The painter has been here all week painting. We picked out Bansai Tint for the walls. It is a light green color. I am going to post pictures of the room in a later post...maybe God also has a color printer! On July 14, I participated in The Color Run Philadelphia. This year was different than last year. Last year there were 4 of us...

I know Heaven is real. I cannot wait to get there and see my momma again. I wonder what Heaven is like? I try not to think too much about it because the thought of "forever" can be overwhelming for me.  I write letters to my momma on here. Does she read them? I don't know. I hope so and that alone is enough to keep me writing. When I was little I used to think that people in Heaven could see everything that I was doing. Today, that just doesn't make sense. I don't think my mom can look down and see me. It is too sad down here on Earth. I am too sad. She wouldn't want to see that. Heaven is filled with only joy and no tears or suffering. If my mom could see my pain it would question the validity of everything we know about Heaven. Or at least everything we think we know about Heaven.  So how do I talk to my momma? I simply talk to God. He is the Creator of the Universe. If He can't be a messenger, than who can? I tell Him to hug her or tell her that I love ...

Dear Momma, It has been a while since I have written to you. Life just gets crazy. I still think about you every hour, multiple times. I want you back. Yesterday we celebrated Grandma's life. You already know that since you were reunited with her when she left Earth to go to Heaven. The service drew just a small crowd. It was nothing like the celebration that we had for you!  I miss you more than I can say. I still tear up when I end up telling someone about you. It's still so fresh for me. Tonight I didn't have much to do and I was thinking about how I wish I would have spent more time with you. I couldn't have known though. I couldn't have known that the time was going to be so short. I can't believe you aren't here anymore. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop saying that. Two celebrations of life are two too many for this year. I don't want to go to anymore. I hope there aren't any more this year. Life is so fragile. You lived yours we...

Hi Momma, Today is three months. 3 months without your voice. 3 months with no hug. 3 months with no "I love you". I continue to miss you like crazy. I don't think I will ever be able to stop. For a few weeks I just cried everyday. I thought I would cry everyday for the rest of my life. Sometimes I still think that. Here is what is new: We bought a new couch. It's a sectional and we think you would love it! It isn't being delivered until the end of August so we will have time to re-do the room...new carpet and paint. It's so weird to do things like this without you.  Camp is almost halfway over. I am looking into other jobs for the Fall but we will see what happens. I'm trusting God with it.  Lindsay still doesn't have a job but I guess she is looking. Dad still plays a lot of golf. I got into a big fight with them a little over a week ago and I wanted nothing more than to talk to you. I hate that...not being able to talk to you. I love to write you le...